Many of us stay in relationships, whether romantic, professional or casual, often longer than we should. Ones that we have taken time with, invested in. The ones we are closest to are the hardest ones to recognize toxicity in but if you are feeling more and more drained or angry when in public or around a certain someone, it may be time to take a closer look.
It can be really hard to recognize what may be causing you distress.
A year ago, I met someone who had a daughter fighting an addiction. Her daughter has isolated everyone from her; friends, most family members. I think she may have even gotten fired at least five times in one year. She tried and tried to reach, as any mother would. Her main concern was that she would not make it to the end of the year alive,
Visits to detox with hope of a rehab following, only ended up with heartbreak and disappointment as each time she would live, thinking she could handle it on her own.
Please note that if you are currently fighting an addiction, whether it be alcohol, meth, pills that your doctor prescribes that you abuse… Please get help. You will find a list of links at the end of this article for you. I know you have someone fighting for your life, isn’t it time that this person was you?
To make a long story short, she definitely could not handle it on her own. She quickly spiraled, hitting bottom after bottom, but it wasn’t enough. Her mother had helped to keep her fed. She tried to help by taking her to events and out to dinner, hoping that she could show her daughter how much she meant to her. It was very hard for her to see that just because she loved her so, “VALUED” her so, that her daughter should feel the same.
I am sure this story hits home for many of you. This mother spent so much time and energy on trying to save her daughter that she completely lost herself.
What happens when you give away too much of your energy?
She did not only loose herself but her soul retreated. When a person, especially an Empath, forgets to replenish themselves and/or puts all their energy into a traumatic situation or experience, it sometimes can just be too much. Our soul decides to flee, retreat or hide to protect itself. This can be temporary, if you are working on replenishing your energy and taking care of yourself. In this particular case though, it seemed to be long term and causing many problems.
Some symptoms may include depression, feeling numb, lack of motivation, re-thinking the work that you have previously down that you thought was your purpose or life work. The list goes on and on. If you feel you may have symptoms and would like to talk to someone about this, look for your local Shaman as they have much experience with this.
When the mother in my story drained all her energy and ‘lost’ her soul, depleted her bank account, and caused enormous strain on her own relationship with her husband (not the daughter’s father) the daughter finally went into treatment. The mother however, continued to spiral down, feeling more and more broken.
Think Like a Witch
My favorite mantra is “think like a witch.” I know that sounds kind of funny being that I go as far as calling myself a Professional Witch. Truth is, part of me is human just like the rest of you. I forget that I have training and tools, herbs and crystals, magick that can help to make me feel better. This is what I shared with the mother, and of course that she need her own “me time and recovery.” I am pleased to say that after she gave herself ample time, she has become more aware as to what happened. She has set strict boundaries and her life is starting to really take off again.
I share this story with permission because I feel that it hits home for many of us. Most of us have at least one someone that we would do anything for, we love them so much. We “VALUE” them so much. The trouble starts when we start to feel that it is not mutual. We tell ourselves that is okay, they love us. Like somehow that makes up for all the hurt and anguish. We tell ourselves that we love them so much, so it must okay. I am here to tell you that it is not okay.
Anger as a Sign Something is Wrong
My mother client found that she held quite a bit of anger. She would snap and be nasty when this was entirely against her nature. After working further with her, we found that the anger seemed to stem from one particular thing she thought was happening, or not happening. It seemed that she felt like no one was hearing her. Sure she kept talking and trying to communicate but the people closest in her life would start talking above her or would never remember what she had said and asked questions like there was no previous conversation about it. She grew frustrated which created anger. She became a time bomb which resulted in health issues. We needed to diffuse this as quickly as possible.
What I Told Her
When I asked her the questions of why she stayed or exposed herself to the people that caused her so much pain and frustration, she replied that she loved them and they loved her too.
Okay, let’s stop there. Love is a world that gets tossed around a lot. There are all kinds of feelings we described as love but isn’t love suppose to be healing? I think that the work Love can be confusing. I asked the mom, and many other of my clients, to substitute the word, did you guess it? Value instead.
You can have love without value in a relationship. You know the ones. They call you for everything but when you need something, they are no where to be found. How about the ones that you are so excited to meet with at lunch, but then they hold a one sided conversation about them and never once ask about what you have been up to. Or maybe they do. Maybe they ask you questions about your day. You glance over and see that under the table they are on their phone texting away. These are the relationships that you give and you give and you give. And they take and take and take until you have nothing more to give.
Are you being Valued?
I want you to ask yourself this question, “Does this person value me? and if your answer is yes, how do they show it? Because if they do not show it, I hate to break it to you, they do not value you. This is a toxic situation or person. You can choose to stay. If you do, you will feel better if you make and stick to boundaries. I say ‘stick’ because it is easy to declare a boundary, not so much enforcing it. Turn your phone off if you need to, change your privacy settings on Facebook. Create some distance and you may find clarity in the situation. Also practice self-love, grab your rose quartz crystals and make you time. You can choose to go. If you do, cut all ties and do not look back. I would highly recommend this if you are in a relationship of any type with a narcissist.
I have changed my word love to value when looking at relationships in my life. Often people are drawn to me because of my compassion and empathy. I know many of you are too. It can be draining just going into a grocery store. (ear selenite, it helps.)
Why is This so Important?
It is important to have value in your life because it builds self-esteem and self-confidence. Instead of taking it away. When you feel valued, it builds happiness and productivity. Have you ever wondered what keeps getting in your way of “that” great idea? You get so close that you can almost feel it, and then someone close to you suddenly needs all your attention or has a crisis? Now you feel drained, your motivation gone and it was a dumb idea anyway, wasn’t it? WRONG!
Links for those who need help
National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255
If you are local to NH and MA, Sue Angelo is a wonderful Shaman to work with.
If you unsure what exactly you need, a Tarot Reading can be a good place to start.