Dear Dissonance, I am excited to hear that your patient is losing her job. That her company was sold, with virtually no notice to employees and no severance for her and the vast majority of employees, is even better! That is the best kind of shutdown for us as it maximizes fear and uncertainty in our patients. For three years she devoted her life to her company, foolishly thinking of it as her own, and thought of little else... Read more

My Dear Dissonance, You are right to note that birth control, particularly the Pill, has been very beneficial to Our Father. That it still is such a rallying point for millions of women 50 years after it became available is a source of endless satisfaction to those of us who tempt females. It’s like having a permanent monopoly on one aspect of the feminine character. Technically speaking, it divorced sex from children, giving women a false sense of power over... Read more

My Dear Dissonance, What heartening news that your patient is involved with a man who doubts the Enemy’s existence. I love it when two people who are not compatible with one another spend their lives with each other. It generates a host of favorable consequences for us, including diminished happiness for everyone. For not only does it prevent her from fully embracing her faith, but it means they will live separate lives, and if they marry, spawn children who likely... Read more

My Dear Dissonance, It is never acceptable to shirk your duties, no matter the circumstances. You were supposed to send me a report of your work with your patient, citing specific examples of tactics that succeeded and failed. Instead, you sent me an outpouring of emotional psychobabble about your patient’s financial ruin. It was so nonsensical I could swear you were writing from the bar where your patient was drinking. I can tell from your writing that you feel the... Read more

Dear Dissonance, Is one of Our Father’s web designers in charge of the British Daily Mail’s internet site? It is by far the best personification of our mission to distract, to confuse and to overwhelm. It is impossible, even for your patient who is unfortunately incredibly focused as far as humans go, to visit one of its pages without abandoning the original article she clicked on to peruse the right hand side of all its pages filled with gossip on... Read more

Dear Dissonance, It was wonderful to hear that your patient is obsessed with her weight, which means she is also obsessed with food and with burning calories. I love it when people can’t enjoy what they eat and instead think of meals purely as nutrient delivery devices. The fact that an exploding number of people are willing to spend $10 for one bottle of green juice and nearly $1000 for a week-long “cleanse” puts a smile on my face. Think... Read more

Dear Dissonance, Why are you getting snippy with me? You asked for my advice about prayer and I gave it to you. You cannot expect every tactic to work 100 percent of the time. In addition, I do not enjoy being blamed for your own failures. If you would rather not receive my correspondence, I will delete you from my address list. It’s quite easy to do these days on my tablet computer, which then removes information from all my... Read more

Dear Dissonance, I am pleased to learn of the hostilities between your patient and her mother and the long-standing nature of them. The more years each side has invested in winning, the less likely either one will want to resolve their differences. You must start to work on her immediately before the Enemy makes the corrosive nature (only in His mind, of course) of their conflict apparent. The last thing you want is her newfound interest in faith to change... Read more

Dear Dissonance, In my haste to write to you I forgot to give you some context on modern churches that should encourage you in your life’s work. Mainline churches are going down the tubes. It isn’t even funny to make fun of snooty country club Episcopalians anymore, for example, because the only ones left are in assisted living. And what used to be known as the protestant Vatican, the National Council of Churches, left its beautiful New York City headquarters... Read more

Dear  Dissonance, I am extremely disappointed that your patient decided to return to the faith after many years with us. You will be punished for this, but it will only make you a better tempter – and prevent a relapse once you reclaim her. Remember, human nature is on our side. She may have decided to recommit to Christ, but she has many bad habits that still shine brightly for Our Father. One of the great assistants in our quest... Read more