Sex Abuse and a FOCUS Missionary

I don’t usually write when I’m this angry.

Healthy ways of dealing with anger is something I’m working on in therapy. But you know what? I don’t give a flying fuck right now because if I don’t write this down now, I’m going to be raging the rest of the day. Not good for my home life and not good for my blood pressure. Oh, and if you didn’t realize that fucks fly, you’re probably too sensitive for this article.

I gave a FOCUS missionary some choice words after Mass today, and I’m not done.

Because I’m the joyful parent of a toddler, most of my experience of Mass is now spent running and dragging my screaming offspring out of the sanctuary. After the regular announcements, our pastor invited the resident FOCUS missionary to share his usual spiel at the ambo. I didn’t catch most of it – because I was making sure said toddler didn’t eat another kid’s crayons – but I did hear mention of the typical statistics of why Catholic young people leave the Church. He ended with an invitation to come speak with him in the narthex afterward. Before my toddler tried to pop me in the eye, I considered that.

Should I go talk to him? There will probably be other people congratulating him on saving Western Civilization from secularism. Hmmm. 

Lo and behold, the opportunity presented itself. While my husband was chatting with a friend and holding our son, I saw that the missionary was standing by himself. I took a deep breath and approached him.

Take a deep breath. What was the lesson in therapy this week? GIVE. If you want to show respect for people, be Genuine, Interested in them, Validate, and be Easy mannered. Ok, I’ll try.

I gave him a small smile and asked, “What is FOCUS doing to reach people who leave the Church because of the sex abuse crisis?” 

A young guy, not much younger than me but with a beard to attempt to appear closer to thirty, smiled in return, albeit nervously.

I’ve been on his side of things. I understand that when you work for the Church, you have a target on your back. Anytime someone has a personal beef with Holy Mother Church, staff and people in ministry are the ones who take the heat. But, I’d run into way too many “ministers” who feel that the crisis isn’t really that big of a deal. I wanted to hear this missionary’s response. 

He started by explaining how important it is to be transparent and honest about the crisis and transitioned to how he and his fellow missionaries focus on healing and friendship to reach people. Then, he went on to say that this crisis isn’t really anything new in the Church’s history, so it’s not anything we can’t get through.

I told him that seemed very dismissive of victims’ pain because they are experiencing it NOW, not in some bygone era. He tried to backtrack and state that, of course, we need to be sensitive to the victims, but this doesn’t change the Truth and Grace found in the Church. I countered him, asking what he says to people who can’t go to Mass because of the hierarchy, because of the abuse. He said that this wasn’t an “us vs. them” situation. In order for healing to happen in the Church we all need to work on our individual conversion. 

For a split second, I was completely shocked. In essence, he said that in order to stop priests from raping kids, I needed to pray more.

Jesus help me, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut in the face of such stupidity and ignorance.

I asked him how victims typically respond to those words. He looked unsure and asked for clarification. I repeated my words, adding that it’s very hurtful to hear that the laity just need to pray harder to make up for the sins of the clergy. He still didn’t understand, so I made it more plain.

“I’m a victim, and it hurts me to hear that.”

He became incredibly embarrassed and apologized, whining, “I had no idea! I didn’t know!”

Through clenched teeth, I told him obviously you never know when you’re talking to people if they’ve been a victim of abuse in the church. He continued to apologize profusely. I smiled quietly, because therapy says that’s how you show that you’re “genuine” and “easy mannered,” and reminded him to keep victims first. And then I got the hell out of there before I started shaking.

Putting the blame on everyone (which is code for laity) doesn’t stop rapes and assaults.

Whether Mr. Missionary wants to admit it or not, the hierarchy of clergy in the Church have the most power. A good comparison would be like the upper management and CEO of a company. Laity, then, would be the workers who are on the lower end of the corporate ladder. If some of the lowly workers find out that the managers are doing something illegal, the best plan of action would be to alert the civil and criminal authorities. It would be idiotic for them to suggest that those corrupt managers will cease their illegal activities if the workers simply worry about themselves and work on their own behavior in the workplace.

That has absolutely no effect on what the corrupt management will do. And in truth, if the managers notice, they’ll be relieved that their corruption is still hidden from public view. Business as usual.

It’s the same in the Church. Evil priests and bishops aren’t going to stop raping children and covering it up just because we work on our individual holiness. 

Everyone should always strive to be better, but I don’t think my struggle with binge-eating tortilla chips is on the same level as child rape. That should be abundantly clear to anyone with half a brain.

For us laity, it is “us vs. them”, and anyone who argues the alternative doesn’t understand how damaging this crisis really is. Please, for the love of God, stop victim-blaming us. 

Yes, the clergy aren’t the only ones to be predators in the Church. In my first parish job, my abuser was a fellow lay person. What’s more, stories are just beginning to come out of religious women abusing children. This scandal is far from over, but pushing the blame on the laity does nothing but further the abuse and its terrible ramifications.

Demand better.

Demand accountability.

Demand transparency and justice, for once.

Image source: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-standing-in-body-of-water-while-holding-sickle-1435454/