Sex – It’s All About Sex with Pagans, Right?

Sex – This Is How We Do It

What a charged word, eh? Sex is on TV. Sex is on our minds every 8 seconds. Sex is the process by which most of us came to exist. Sex is a checkbox on legal forms. Sex is delicious. Sex is a weapon. Sex is beautiful. Sex is a sin. Sex is fulfilling. Sex is an expectation. Sex is between one man and one woman. Sex is something you should enjoy, even when you don’t. Sex is something you give. Sex is something you take. Sex is just sex, no strings attached. Sex is complicated. And as the expert George Michael tells us, “not everybody does it, but everybody should.”

By and large, the Pagan community we’ve come to know, is willing to have frank and open discussions about sex; which includes all of the assumptions, variations, and wonderful expressions that come along with those discussions. Most of us consider ourselves to be “sex positive”. It’s not that Pagans know something about sex that the over-culture doesn’t and, for sure, there are plenty of problems within our communities that stem from coercive, power-over and plain creepy attitudes towards sex. However, thankfully, we find that the majority of Pagans are simply more available to engage with these edgy conversations than that of our non-Pagan friends.

We’ve had all sorts of really wonderful late night chats with friends and beloveds about monogamy, polyamory, kink, queer culture (and sex), cis culture (and sex), trans culture (and sex), asexualism and so on. There are several words that often accompany these discussions – Agency. Consent. Boundaries.Communication. And because we are a sex positive community there can be a lot of assumptions, projections, and false ideas about who we are as individuals and as a Pagan couple, which can lead to hurt feelings, confusion, jealousy, and well, the awkwards.

And this brings us back to the Iron Pentacle work that we’ve both practiced for years. Sex is the first point on the Pentacle.

Phoenix: When the Sex point is out of balance it can turn into impotence or greed. When we are out of balance with sex, with life-force energy, when we are weakened from not being right-sized, it can feel like we have no control, we lack life force, we lack in everything. Life feels hollow and unfulfilling. And the other side of the same coin, when we are in an inflated state, we want more and more, nothing seems to satisfy our hunger or slake our thirst. Greed takes over and we want it all and only for ourselves. Sex is energy and being balanced in that energy feeds all the different aspects of your life, beyond intercourse.

Gwion: The iron Pentacle has, well, five points. The first of the five points is Sex. The over-culture tells us over and over again that sex is a commodity, that sex is supposed to be something we are ashamed of. Too much and you’re a slut, not enough and you’re a prude or a failure. Working with the Iron Pentacle reminds me that sex, and more importantly, how and when and with whom I choose to share my sexual energy, is actually a birthright. The Sex point speaks to my own communion and union and self-expression without judgement from others. The Sex point moves beyond just the acts of sex and dwells within the deep reaches of the creative process , where ideas and magic are born.T. Thorn Coyle, in their book “Evolutionary Witchcraft” recounts a well respected Reclaiming and Feri priest, when carrying the aspect of the Peacock God, saying “Make love as the lightning strikes the earth and the earth rises up to meet the lightning.” For me, that saying really sums up how I move in the world, how I create, how I bring myself to the projects I take on and I can only really rise up to meet the lightning when my Sex point is in balance.

Phoenix: One of the things that I am constantly noticing in writing these posts with Gwion is how hard it is when we are out of synch. I want to write about roses, while Gwion wants to write about ferns. He is super stoked to get started on our next piece and I’m just too tired to even think about it. This is similar to a sexual relationship, no? Being out of synch can have detrimental implications on a relationship, unless you learn how to work through them. Iron Pentacle is a tool for my own personal process. Being connected to my own Sex point helps me to feel secure in who I am and what I want. Being in right-size with my own sexual energy helps me to be more present and available to my partners and loved ones.

Gwion: Phoenix talked about assumptions and projections that’s an area we both have to stay vigilant about. We both teach and there’s a certain glamour that comes with being a teacher. That glamour can bring wanted and unwanted attention. I like to think that I’m very, very, very clear about where the boundaries are when I’m teaching. It’s critically important for my own sanity that I’m crystal clear about the boundaries and agreements that Phoenix and I have about our relationship. As our relationship has grown over the years, we’ve revisited what those agreements are and how we both operate within them. The Iron Pentacle work has been invaluable here too, as I can ‘check in” with myself, run the points of the pentacle and really see what’s in and out of balance before having a lengthy conversation about needs, desires and boundaries.

As we wrote this it became clear, over and over again, that communication is vital to a healthy sexual relationship. We can both individually do the work for our personal process, we can both feel in right-size with our personal Sex point, but if we aren’t willing to share that with our partner it is kind of a waste of time. No matter how much we work on our inner landscape if we don’t communicate those needs our relationship is doomed. This goes for overall relationship boundaries as well as asking our partner to move a little to the left, slow down, or Oh Yeah, right there.

We mentioned T. Thorn Coyle’s book “Evolutionary WitchCraft”. There are other resources out there to learn more about the Iron Pentacle work. There are Reclaiming and Feri teachers that offer this work in a variety of formats all across the globe. And, of course, you can always ask us!

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