To Think or To Obey?

To think or to obey?That appeared to be the dilemma that Mary Johnson ultimately faced in her desire to live her life as an MC, or member of the Missionaries of Charity, the Roman Catholic order founded by Mother Teresa to work in ministry with the poorest of the poor of the world.

Late last week I began to read Unquenchable Thirst, Mary Johnson’s fascinating memoir of her experience as an MC, and the internal dissonance that finally led her to request to be released from her vows after 20 years as an MC Sister. Once I started the book, I couldn’t put it down.

Johnson’s writing reflects this reality:  no matter how beautiful and powerful the original idea that spurs a group to make it happen, any growing movement will eventually spawn those who love power for power’s sake.  Corruption of original intent inevitably results.

Johnson, a highly intelligent but socially awkward 19 year old Texan, leaves behind what will certainly be a promising career in some educational field (she was exceptionally gifted with children and with music) and heads to the worst of the Bronx in New York City to enter the life of austerity, discipline and service. Here she was shaped, judged, taught, and evaluated at every turn by her superiors in the MC hierarchy to see if she would ultimately be given the privilege of taking her final vows. Of her group of twelve that entered together, only two survived the first six months.

Despite the challenges, Sister Donata, her name in religion, moved quickly up the ranks of leadership positions. After taking her final vows, she was given the privilege of attending the Regina Mundi in Rome, Italy, now closed, but at the time the only center of higher learning available to women in religious orders.

There, under the caring and expert tutelage of the faculty, Sister Donata, able for the first time since entering the order to make use of her academic gifts, began to exercise that good mind of hers.

It went downhill for her.  Eventually, charges of heresy stemming from MC superiors were leveled at the priest on the faculty who had influenced her the most.  Sister Donata ultimately faced this dilemma: either continue to keep silent about power abuses and theological challenges (and keeping silent was her only option as a fully professed sister in the order) or request a dispensation from her vows and leave the order. Heartbreaking, for her passion never left her–a desire to be in ministry with and to serve the poor and destitute.

As I read her story, I kept seeing my own, and I ached with her. Like Mary Johnson, I have never wanted to do anything else except serve God. And I also entered a theological world where independent thought was not considered a virtue, particularly on the part of a woman who questioned some cherished precepts about God’s intention for women in church ministry. To stay meant I had to stifle my questions forever–and I couldn’t do that and still maintain personal integrity.

What soul agony!  To have to leave a world one loves and wants to serve in order to be faithful to one’s self.

This is what scares me about any highly hierarchical religious organization–or any group that indicates that only the person at the top,or his or her chosen successors, has sole access to revealed truth. What if their interpretations are colored by their own prejudices and experiences just as I was told mine were? What if the need to hold power becomes greater than the need for spiritual and intellectual integrity?

Unaccountable power always corrupts, and it is no different in the religious world than any other.