The view from the pew, reflections from a retired clergy: guilt and peace edition

Retirement Enlightenment

Retirement came early. A bundle of forces had pushed it.

When that stuff wasn’t there, and when the relationships that circled around church/ministry just disappeared, quietness engulfed me. I discovered the extent of my spiritual and physical exhaustion. I learned how dependent I had become on the adrenaline push to get me through the day rather than paying better attention to more healthy bodily rhythms.

I discovered I was not very important in the big scheme of things–and, frankly, in the little scheme of things. It hurt. I wanted people to miss me, for things to fall apart because I was not there because that was where my validation was.

I found myself immediately looking for other opportunities to be in ministry, to be needed and important and necessary to the lives of others.

For me, it exposed deep soul sickness.

I am still healing, and discovering that I am not yet ready to enter into other ministry work yet. That is why I needed to resign from the ministry board. The mission is dear to my heart BUT my soul kept screaming, “You’ve got to leave this. You are not bringing health to them because you are not healthy. You want the prestige of being a Board Member because you think that will fill you up. It won’t. You must go inside to find your wholeness.”

I struggle terribly with feeling selfish for doing what I genuinely love doing: my time with my husband and planning our travels, my thriving garden which offers much neighborhood beauty, my slowly emerging writing, my renewed enjoyment at simply being a bit domestic and keeping a smooth household so my husband can do his work supported and undistracted.

Finding Joy

These things bring me joy. I’ve been greatly influenced by Marie Kondo’s “The life-changing magic of tidying up” and her insistence that any object we keep must offer us joy. So I’ve discarded many, many items in the last few years. They had ceased to bring joy and instead drained my energy. There is peace with this for now.

I hope to engage in some sort of ministry, volunteer work, etc. in the next few years, but I sense that this is not the time. I will teach a series this fall at a local church, but all they’ve asked is that I bring some of my favorite “Ask the Thoughtful Pastor” columns for further discussion, so it will be relaxed and lighthearted.

I do occasionally fill the pulpit for a vacationing pastor and totally enjoy it–and then know I don’t want to be doing that again regularly ever again.

Mostly, I just am. I’ve learned to appreciate my aging body in new ways. I delight that I can put my feet on the floor in the morning, in the aches that follow the hours in the garden, in the hunger that accompanies intense physical exercise.

I’ve never just “been” before. I still have much to learn; I still want to value myself on what I do, what I produce. But that’s starting to fade.

I am enjoying the view from the pew. Very, very much.