Dear Thoughtful Pastor: I’ve been married nearly 16 years. My husband is a great guy in so many ways but this last six months have become difficult. He has always been passive aggressive but I can feel it getting worse. I don’t know whether I have changed (I have been questioning our religious beliefs a lot recently) and I have become less tolerant of it or whether the behaviour has actually increased.
I’m finding myself more and more upset and unhappy and sometimes dreading him being at home. I fantasize about leaving but feel like I would miss him too much.
Here is an example. We were taking the kids to KFC today for a treat lunch seeing as it was Friday. I really fancied a piece of chicken and Pat said that he was doing chicken tonight and he was looking forward to it. I said that was fine but then he said no he really didn’t mind. So I got some chicken and then when I got to our table he started giving me the silent treatment.
Of course when I challenged him he said there was nothing wrong. There was a horrible atmosphere. At that point I got frustrated because I knew what was going on. The behaviour was again denied and I was left feeling extremely frustrated.
So when we got home there was just a bad atmosphere until he approached me to find out what was wrong with me. I told him and there’s no real admission of what happened just a brushing over and everything’s fine.
This cycle goes on and on over lots of things and I’m so tired. I really want to tell him to go and stay at his parents this weekend but I know it would break his heart. I constantly feel like I’m in some kind of game with him where I am supposed to guess what he wants and do it. I just don’t want to play any more. What do I do now?
Very simply: you stop playing. You stop trying to guess what is in his mind and basing your actions on that. You work on getting out of his mind and into your own. That, of course, is easier said than done. You two have probably been playing this game since the beginning of your relationship.
I know this game. I’ve lived it.
More than likely, the recent decision to question your religious beliefs also changed something about the way the two of you relate. This probably put him in a state of increased anxiety. To resolve that, he’s going to pressure you to return to a more comfortable system for him. That’s what people do. Happens in churches and happens in relationships.
I’m guessing this passive-aggressive approach has been fairly successful in the past to help him get what he wants. He gets a rise out of you and denies his part in it. This makes you look foolish, his own anxiety dissipates while your frustration level escalates. When you challenge him, he is giving an honest answer: nothing is wrong because he already got what he needed.
The person who will have to change the dynamic here will be you, not him. Calling him out on it rarely works. Essentially you are asking him to act differently so you will feel better about your choices. That’s a powerless position. Try not to go there.
No Win/No Power
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