Bring Back Puritan Names

What ever happened to Puritan names? Parents, why have you abandoned classic nomenclature of your progeny? Every little towhead these days is named something like Connor, Avery, Tyler, Smith, blah, blah, blah. In an attempt to help you all, I’m going to offer some suggestions by which we can turn this thing around. These are theologically motivated and in fact reflect a return to the theology of Puritans, which I think is dope, in general.

These are full names:
1) Exhaustive Foreknowledge Jones
2) Authoritative Revelation Smith
3) Forensic Righteousness Dupree
4) Fruits of The Spirit Carter
5) Foreordained Taylor

and my personal favorite, for twins: Decreed Will Preston & Desired Will Preston

Parents–think about this. It’s a serious matter.