Sin, Contrition, Repent, Mercy, Repeat

There are times when I wonder why I ever listened to that little voice that said “Follow me”. No matter how much work I do or how hard I try there is always something that would be easier to deal with if I could light someone’s car on fire. Or bust out some windows with a baseball bat. I love Jesus, I know He is real and that He is alive. But man, He asks a lot from us. I have been so angry with my husband for these past few months. He has worked really hard and going without sleep. You would think that I was concerned about the man who I love not getting enough sleep and that is why I have nagged him to death, but no, that’s not it at all. My problem is that when he isn’t in bed with me then I don’t sleep. See how that comes back to me? After reading this post from Hallie Lord, and this one from Leila Miller, God really made it clear to me that maybe, just maybe, I’m a brat. So I have worked really hard to not be a brat and to not nag my husband to death. He has been a pillar of charity towards his bitchy wife lately. The one who doesn’t cook, clean or do anything except read blogs, write and do homework but nags at him about everything she feels he is doing wrong. He allows me to order out and takes me to dinner. He even took the family to Olive Garden, which is a treat. And he’s doing the Consecration to Jesus through Mary with me too. And what do I do? Yep, you guessed it; I nag about him having to work. You know, the thing that allows us to pay for all that eating out? So, I made a resolution yesterday morning: I am going to quit being a brat. I’m going to love my wonderful husband and I’m going to work very hard to quit nagging at him and to allow him the freedom to be a human being because I know that he loves me and is only trying to do the best he can to take care of me and my kids. Who, by the way, are not his kids. And my grandchild and my son’s girlfriend, who all live here too ( that is another story, but don’t worry; they are not shacking up). My husband pays the bills, cable, school supplies and the mortgage payment so that we all have a roof over our heads. If that weren’t enough, he is paying to move my mother 800 miles to live close to us since I’m an only child and she is all alone where she is now. Yeah, I have a great husband, and I’m an ungrateful brat. You get the picture. Yesterday morning I finally had that breakthrough. Actually I had that epiphany starting about a week ago Sunday. Then, the doorbell rang.

Here I was getting control of my anger, of realizing just how much Peace really means. If we don’t have peace in our homes, in our marriages then we are foolish to expect peace around the world. Calah Alexander and Nicole DeMille  brought that home too. See how God is talking to me with all these great women bloggers? And I HEAR Him, I’m really trying to hang my head in prayer and ask for the Grace to be holy. I think that maybe I’m making progress. Just a little at least; after all they say that the beginning of anything is admitting you have a problem. Then the doorbell rang again.

I don’t answer my door when the doorbell rings during the day because anyone who knows us, knows not to ring the doorbell. I don’t know how we did it, but somehow we taught the dogs that the doorbell means it’s a stranger at the door and they lose their breakfast when it rings. I really should try to fix that, but it’s just not on my priority list. Like I said, everyone who knows us, knows the drill on how to let us know they are here. Anyone who doesn’t follow the protocol, gets weeded out as strangers. I just ignored it until the 3rd time. Then I opened the door to find a snarky note from my neighbor. I’m not really sure what all happened after that, but I can tell you that the Fbombs and other words coming out of my mouth were not words of peace. Or love of my neighbor. Unless, by love, you mean wanting to set her car on fire. I finally calmed down, cooked dinner and went to my Parish to help with RCIA. Yeah, me the lady plotting on how exactly I was going time being in the front yard when my neighbor left at 7 am just so I could flip her off, was going to help people on their journey to Christ. But the only other option was jail; so off to the Parish I went. Our RCIA director is probably the holiest man who I’ve ever met and the night’s topic was the God’s Love. I really needed to hear it. I sat there remembering what it was like 4 years ago when I heard His voice say “Follow me” and I was so ashamed of myself for having cussed out my neighbor , even if in my home and not to her face. Peace, I should be working for peace. At the end of the night my husband and I prayed our daily Consecration prayers which were the beatitudes otherwise known as “everything Leticia needs to work on.” I was none of those things after I read that note. How does God expect us to be peaceful with people like that without looking like punks? Then I got my answer in the words of Blessed John Paul II, “It is strange that Jesus exalts those whom the world generally regards as weak.” (Homily, Israel, Korazim, Mount of the Beatitudes, March 24, 2000) The day before we read John 14:15 If you love me, you will keep my commandments. It is not just Jesus saying “Hey, love your neighbor if you think that’s the right thing to do.” He is commanding us to be meek and humble and out of love for Him to love our neighbor. Even if that means we look weak to them.  I fell asleep feeling like I finally got it and repenting of my anger towards my neighbor. I finally  felt like everything would be just fine.

Then I woke up this morning and it was almost a repeat of yesterday. Sin, contrition, repent, mercy, repeat.  I’m staying off Facebook and giving up Fbombs until I can get this under control. Please pray for me.