Keep Me Safe, O God; You Are My Hope

This year’s Holy Week was amazing in so many ways. I have spent a lot of time lately feeling as if God had forgotten me and then this past week He just made it clear to me that He loves me just as much today as He did five years ago when I was coming into the Catholic Church.

2010 was the best year of my entire life. I went on a great 13 day vacation in Rome with Stacey, I met Christ on the Appia Antica in the form of a shepherd and his herd of sheep, I was confirmed, my kids were Baptized and confirmed at Easter Vigil, Stacey and I were married in the Church and he was confirmed that November. It was a year full of so much happiness and love. I have been wishing so hard to be able to go back to that year and take more time to enjoy all of it more. At the time, I had no idea that life was about to get so very difficult. I had no idea just how much the evil one would work to try and destroy every one of the relationships that are important to me. I really thought that I was getting my happily ever after.

For the past couple of years I have looked back on that year with anger. Anger that God did not let me know just what lay ahead of me. I have looked up at Jesus on the Cross and actually thought about how His suffering was a few days and mine has been two long years. I have been the worst kind of disciple. I thought that I was being a light of Christ when the reality is that everything I have been doing was because I wanted to be somebody who got paid for speaking gigs, had a following and was living in a fancy house while driving a red Cadillac. None of it was really about Jesus and bringing glory to Jesus. It was all about me. About how great I could be and how many lives that I could change.

The thing about God is that He doesn’t really care about all of that. He just lets us go on making our plans while answering our prayers in the way that He knows will bring us closer to Him. For instance, even though my self-aborsbed self was asking for Him to take away all the things that kept me from Him because I wanted to be a popular Catholic speaker, He answered me by having me be a waitress again. He has given me the grace to let go of my comforts and sometimes has even forced me to let some of them go and then He put me smack in the middle of real life instead of behind a podium. I did not want to go back to waiting tables at all. But I asked Him for His Will even though I really wanted my will, which was a book deal and not a job where my feet would hurt and people would be rude to me over a side of ranch. He gave me this job though and I accepted it as His will and shook my fist in the air.

I started this new job during Holy Week but I asked for Good Friday off. I didn’t really explain why I wanted it off, but I had already made plans to go out to The Mission of Divine Mercy to walk the Stations, venerate a relic of the True Cross and go to confession. I had not been to confession in a really long time and I needed to go or I was not going to be able to receive Communion on Easter Sunday. As I was walking stations I realized just exactly what Jesus had endured for my sins. Here I was whining about having to wait tables but Jesus had been nailed to a Cross for me. Who the hell was I to say no to Him? I had asked for Him to teach me to serve and in God’s typical funny way, He had answered that prayer. Mother Teresa has become a great saint serving the poorest of the poor and in my own way I can do that same by being a Catholic in a group of people who don’t really know any Catholics who take their faith seriously. The very first day I worked, a few people were debating about what Good Friday meant and when Lent was over. Guess who was standing there to tell them? Me. Explaining my faith to people face to face was a great feeling. I answered their questions and then went on doing my job. I gave them a little bit of Jesus with no applause, no fireworks and with no 235 comment thread on Facebook, but it was still Jesus none the less. And I didn’t make a cent off of it. I am still behind on all my bills, my house may still be foreclosed on and my car still needs insurance, but I did what I was made to do: tell people about Jesus.

I did not know what exactly I needed, but God did and He gave it to me. As usual, I accepted it kicking and screaming, just like I accepted becoming Catholic the same way. Five years later I look back and I realize that I made the best choice to give my life to Christ and live that life out as a Catholic. I have made a lot of mistakes, I have gone far right from far left and I am now learning how to land in the middle. I have been rude to people, I have purposely missed Mass on Sunday, I have been angry at God, I have been angry at other Catholics, I have been jealous of people who make money talking about Jesus, I have been angry at myself, I have been a horrible example to my children, I have tried to force people to believe what I do in order to be a part of my life, I have been a real bitch to my husband and I have sat around having my own pity party when life sucked. All of those things have left me with some pretty serious scars, but they have also taught me that there is nothing I could ever do to earn or lose God’s Love. He is always there listening to and answering my prayers.

Jesus, my Lord, I love you.

Keep me, O God, for in you I take refuge;

I say to the LORD, “My Lord are you.”

O LORD, my allotted portion and my cup,

you it is who hold fast my lot.

R. Keep me safe, O God; you are my hope.

I bless the LORD who counsels me;

even in the night my heart exhorts me.

I set the LORD ever before me;

with him at my right hand I shall not be disturbed.

R. Keep me safe, O God; you are my hope.

Therefore my heart is glad and my soul rejoices,