About that Christmas Spirit

I think that I don’t have it. I have never really cared much about Christmas the way that most people did. I worked. Waiting tables meant that Christmas time came with a lot of doubles to make the bills AND Christmas presents. So that was my life for a really long time: work. I worked and bought my kids presents and watched them open them and then went back to work. Working at a bar meant that I had no holidays. Shopping for the kids was done after I got done with a 12 hours shift or before one and it was done in a hurry. Wrapping gifts was not hard because my kids stayed with my mom because her home was stable and mine was not. I wrapped their presents while exhausted and just happy that I could somehow make the money that it took to buy them. There were a lot of years where Christmas threw me off my groove and the new year would bring an eviction notice.

Maybe it was the lack of social media or whatever, but I never really knew much about how other people did the holidays. We had a Christmas party wherever I worked, but it was not a big deal. It was a night off work while at work drinking. The end.

Now, New Year’s Eve was a whole different story. No matter where I worked or if that meant working as the New Year came in, I found a way to stand in the moment of one year closing and a new one coming in. It was like a clean slate, a chance for new dreams and the hope of somehow getting out of this miserable life that I had made for myself. A new year meant the possibility of addicts getting clean, of new jobs, more money, having my kids live under the same roof as me and finding somebody to love me. The hope of a new year was endless.

All of that was very sad at some point, but now as a Catholic, it makes observing Advent and Christmas easy for me. It is easy for me to say no to things during Advent, because I have never made Christmas about anything other than working so now I can take that time to wait. And then I can be excited as the New Year approaches since that is really Christmas season, it is the season to dance and have a good time! The birth of Christ means dance parties and laughs with endless wine flowing. Advent seems like it should be quieter.

This year I have suggested to my husband and my kids that we go to a Chinese buffet and movie after Christmas Day Mass. We have had a great year filled with healing and getting on our feet, I just didn’t really think ahead far enough to plan out Christmas. Everyone was just over here to eat a turkey a few weeks ago! I really am not up for that again this soon. The most important thing for us as a family is that we are healing and that process has been exhausting. I just want us to enjoy each other for the day and look at each other and say “we made it”, because we have. By the Grace of God, we have made it.

2015 has been a year of growth and that takes a lot of energy out of a marriage so I really just want to spend the Christmas break thanking Jesus for my husband.

We don’t have a tree, there will be no gifts (until January) and no turkey. There is only us: a family who took in a stray dog that we named Moonshine and who has taken up a good part of our therapist’s calendar. It has been a gift.

We did turn on the disco ball tonight, so that will serve as our Christmas lights!