Last night I went to Adoration at my parish for the first time in months. I really don’t understand why I am not there every single day because I absolutely love being in Adoration.
Usually when I got to Adoration I have a litany of problems that I feel the need to tell Jesus about. I also tell Him exactly how I need them all handled, because I have all the answers and if God would just listen to me, things would go so much smoother. Lies. I don’t know anything. Last night as I sat there looking at Jesus in the Face, I experienced something that I never experience: silence. It didn’t last long, but for about 4 minutes there was nothing racing in my head, no list of issues, and no plans on how to solve them, no prayers, nothing. Just me and Jesus. It was the best 4 minutes of my life.
The realization of where I was and what I was doing broke the silence. For years I had been praying to be at this place in my life. The place where I am grounded in who I am and what God has called me to do with my life all while being fearless in carrying it out. Fear has gripped my soul for most of my life and Christ has set me free from that fear in the last year a little at a time.
Nine years ago I was sleeping around and falling over drunk in bars. I was going home with strangers longing to be loved. I ached to be cared for and defended. I found peace in dancing and in laughs with my friends, but when my best friend died, I lost all of that and all that was left to face the truth that I was tired of aching. The sex and alcohol was no longer working to numb it.
Now I go to this amazing parish where my husband and I see our friends and have a laugh with Noe Rocha, a man who is like a spiritual dad to us. The ache is gone. I am home.
I am convinced that I walk among saints in the making. Everywhere that I look, I see people who are actively working towards holiness. It humbles me to walk alongside them.
The last few years have been very difficult for me and my family. We never would have made it if it weren’t for the love and support from friends and our Catholic family.
I have no idea what the future holds really, but I know that no matter what, everything will be just fine. (Please remind me of that the next time that I’m having a meltdown) God is awesome and trusting Him is difficult at times, but He has never let me down. He has put people in my life who are great examples to look up to and for that I am eternally thankful.