God never ceases to amaze me. Really. I go to the mail to see if any of my pending checks have come in because we are running pretty close to having things shut off again and there was nothing. As I walk back to the house I tell God “it’s all nice and all to say this is spiritual warfare and everything but you know the light company doesn’t really accept ‘God is gonna pay this light bill somehow, I just have to have faith’, no, they cut that shit off so it would be helpful if I could get paid for something you know? Since You won’t let me win the lotto, just a little help would be nice”. Then I go check my bank account and there is $195 in it. A loan that I applied for was approved. I have the worst credit that anyone could possibly have so to get a loan for even $200 is a miracle. Sure, I have to figure out how to pay it back by mid February since it is a short term loan to help build my credit, but I am just gonna have faith that that will somehow work out. That is just crazy. God is bonkers.
You would think that I would know by now that He is faithful and won’t ever let me down, but no matter how many times He saves my ass, I still worry when the disconnect notices come in. I always prepare myself to have to quit writing and go back to Cheddar’s begging for that awful job back. Even when $195 shows up in my bank account out of thin air, I still wonder if writing/blogging/radio is still what God wants for me. My family needs to eat and our bills are real and we need real money to pay them. My kids haven’t had new shoes in years they just get hand me downs from friends. They have been wanting to go to eat at Olive Garden for the longest time and I keep thinking that for one of their birthdays we can do that. Each one of their birthdays has passed without being able to do it. My husband works every single day and somehow makes enough to keep groceries in the fridge, but it would be so much easier to go work some crappy job and make money to help out so that we are not freaking out each day whether some rat is going to make a home in someone’s attic (my husband owns a pest control company).
The truth is that maybe that is the point, trusting in God to take care of us. But even though that is what we say so many times, it sounds completely stupid. It’s even harder to actually believe. That the Maker of the stars and oceans is going to make sure somehow that my water bill gets paid. Say it out loud, it sounds like something the brainwashed Christians on SVU say. And yet, here I am with money in my bank account to go buy groceries.
I grew up thinking that writing was a hobby, not a job. Now I write and I get paid for some articles, but for the most part, it’s not much and I often feel like I’m letting my family down and letting my dream take priority over our real needs. Then while I am worrying about that, guess what I am not doing? Writing.
It is a vicious cycle and today I really needed the reminder that I am not crazy: God really does care about me and my family. If I would just stop letting fear rule in my heart, there is no limit to what He could do with me.