Hope for Salvation

My oldest son and my Tio Roy were very close. He took Anthony for his first big fishing trip. They had a blast. Anthony spent countless summers with Tio where he learned about life, generosity and how to be a man. Not to mention he learned how to BBQ, which was my Tio’s favorite lesson to teach anyone.

My kid is not handling his death very well. I thought that I was at peace with my Tio being in the hands of God (in many ways, I am), but there are moments when I wonder if that’s just a way to make myself feel better because when I’m in the silence of my own heart, I feel like it’s completely unfair that he’s gone.

I don’t blame my son for mourning by trying to numb himself. After my best friend Homer died that is exactly how I mourned him. Anthony had a front row seat to that show. I was drunk a lot, made no sense and made very rash decisions, like the one to move across the state.  But I also can’t sit and watch him destroy his life and his daughter’s innocence as she cries because she misses him.

I miss my Tio, I am worried about my child, today is Homer’s birthday and tomorrow is Mother’s Day. It’s a hard week. You know that things are as bad as they seem when your therapist says that you’re dealing with too much. I’ve always had to deal with more than my fair share of pain and suffering, I guess I should be used to it by now, but I’m not. It sucks. And my therapy sessions are about to end because I owe her $600 that I can’t pay, so that’s awesome.

Today when I read the Gospel and Jesus says to ask for anything and He will give it to me, I will be honest, I don’t believe Him. Even if at some point my prayers are answered it is always, without fail, only after going through some really hard shit. Not because He is a jerk or a liar, but because in order to allow us to freely choose Him, sin had to come into the world which meant that redemption by the Cross also had to be a part of the story. I will never understand why some of us have a heavier Cross than other people. Maybe I have that much sin to atone for, I don’t know. I’m sure there is some starving child somewhere else in the world that is wondering why that is their cross while a fat American woman complains about missing people who die since they are surrounded by death.

People think that in order to be good Catholics that we have to know all the answers to these questions. Why do people die? Why do we doubt our faith? Why is my son acting so unlike himself? How do I deal with all this suffering? But the truth is that I am coming to realize we don’t have to know how to answer them. Sometimes the answer is “I don’t know”, because that is the truth. I don’t know why any of these things have happened to me. I want to try and figure out the answers because I want to control everything, but only God is in control, the rest of us have to put our Faith in that and Hope for salvation from the tears and suffering.

I am taking a break from trying to have all the answers today by jumping in my husband’s truck to go home to the town we grew up in, walk in my Tio’s house and try to remember all the things that he taught me.