Two days ago I had a really bad day. Every single wound I have ever had in my life surfaced on some level in a matter of hours. My sexual abuse as a child, worry for my child, the relationship with my mother, the grief of my Tio and Tia, drama on social media and the news that someone I care about is ill, all collided and I was emotionally overloaded. I sat in my car crying and wondering when all this was going to end. When Lord?
I was also very hungry so my husband took me out to dinner at one of our favorite wing bars. What isn’t our favorite about this place is that they do trivia sometimes and it’s very very loud. This was one of those nights but it didn’t start until I was already half way done with my second beer. By that point I was pretty deaf to hearing anything about how God has a plan, this too shall pass, or any other cliché that people say on days like this. I was way past the point of those things helping and I had already decided that beer and Jameson were my only two options. Then the trivia guy (did I mention how loud this guy is?) asks the next trivia question “In the Catholic Religion who is known as the Patron Saint of lost items?”. That my friends, is how God breaks through my deafness.
Exactly a week before this my husband and I had the opportunity to venerate the relics of St. Anthony of Padua who is the Patron Saint of lost items in the Catholic Religion. I had asked him to pray for me to find my way, to find my zeal again and to help all of my children to find their way back to the Catholic faith. I don’t know how St. Anthony lets others know that their prayers have been heard, but for me he just uses a very loud trivia guy at my favorite wing bar to pass on the message.
This morning I stood in my kitchen thinking about all of the things that I have to do. I’m so behind on my homework but I’m also behind on my bills, my part of Tia’s funeral costs and that means that I need to work more shifts which put me even further behind on my homework. I can’t seem to catch up. Plus I have two kids graduating from high school in two months. There is a lot to prepare for there. I was not complaining but I was just wondering where is God in all this? Where is the help He has promised me? Again, He found a way to make it very clear to me that He was never going to give up on me. I felt it so strongly that I had to take a minute to catch my breath and when the moment passed I realized that I had just been Rick Rolled by God. I couldn’t stop laughing. This is how the relationship between God and I goes.
I have been reading Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl which is a book that I really needed in my life right now. What I’ve gotten from it is the fact that we have choices in the midst of our suffering. We can either choose to cave into the misery or we can choose to do the next right thing. When the Source of Good Himself reaches through time and space just to let you know that He is with you as you stand in your kitchen wondering how you will get it all done and He says He hears you and is in front of you to guide you through the chaos that is life, you only have one choice: to do the next right thing.
People often assume that God will give up on people. That when we refuse to do what He asks of us or fail to do it right that He will just give up and wash His hands of us. I don’t know the depths of Theology but I can tell you for a fact if that was true then I would no longer hear His voice tell me that He loves me more than I think He does. He still seeks me, He finds me and He makes sure that I know He has not given up on me even if I fight Him every step of the way. Everything He does for me, He will do for anyone else. The only thing left for me to do is to not give up on Him.