In the past year, here in the Netherlands we have been shocked several times by news reports of someone digging large pitfalls on a forest path. He placed long sharp spikes in the pitfall with the aim of injuring the victim as much as possible. Afterward, the pitfall was covered, in the hope that someone would step into it. Fortunately, real accidents have so far been avoided, but you would say, ‘what a sick mind’. Who does something like this?
The reality is that in all of our lives, others have dug pitfalls. Usually not by bad guys who intentionally want to harm us, but by people close to us, who mean well but cannot act differently due to their own brokenness.
Everyone has pitfalls: deep, unfulfilled needs
A pitfall can start very early. For example, in the womb, if a child is emotionally rejected by his mother. You can think of a baby who can’t bond with the mother in the first months of their life. A son, who grows up with an absent or rejecting father. Children who are abused by acquaintances or family members. Insecurity and uncertainty at home. Children who never know when they are safe. Are they going to be beaten again today? Is mother drunk again? Maybe there is illness or death in the immediate environment. Perhaps they are emotionally neglected. Children who are bullied at school, who systematically don’t belong, about whom constantly negative things are said. Children who look completely normal on the outside but have one or more pitfalls in their lives. I am of the opinion that no one is without a pitfall.
‘From the pit, there is a constant call for the satisfaction of this need’
A pitfall is a deep emotional or mental need that has not been met. It is an inner need that has not yet been fulfilled. From the pit, there is a constant call for the satisfaction of this need. But just like with other background noises, we as adults can apparently filter out this call very well, so that we are not constantly aware of this sound.
John’s relationship with his father
In the serial ‘The Anointed’, it’s about John’s pitfall. John dealt with an absent father as a child: a father who was never there, who was always too busy with the church. Additionally, his father felt rejecting to John: he experienced that whatever he did, it was never good enough. John’s deep emotional need is to receive confirmation from his father; to know that he matters in his father’s eyes, that he is special, that he is loved and valuable, and that his father is immensely proud of him.
However, John is not yet aware of the pitfall in him. He does the exact opposite of what he deeply wants. John takes revenge on his father. He takes away one of the most precious things in his father’s life, namely the church and congregation that his father has built and cherished for years. John felt that his father took something precious from him in his youth and now he is taking his father’s church. But John goes further. He also takes away his father’s inheritance. He changes the name of the church and fires the leadership in which his father has invested for years. After that, he breaks all contact with his father, choosing a path where his pitfall can never be filled.
‘We are often not aware of these pitfalls and their motivating forces’
His father tries to contact John until his death, but John keeps him at bay. The man who unknowingly dug the pit in his life is the only one who can also fill this pit. But John chooses a different path. His desire to prove himself to his father is expressed in the calling to get the largest church in New York. With everything he has, he calls without knowing it: “Father, look what I can do!”
There are dozens of kinds of pitfalls we can have in our lives. The problem, however, is that like John, we are often not aware of these pitfalls and their motivating forces. We seem to no longer hear the constant call. A large part of our lives we may spend in this naive or innocent phase. We don’t know that this pitfall is there, but its influence still works in our lives, with all its consequences.
‘Just like many other Christian leaders John is driven by a strong desire to be recognized’
Just like many other Christian leaders John is driven by a strong desire to be recognized. This makes him appear very confident. In this phase of his life, everything is still possible. The whole world is at his feet. Everyone calls him ‘pastor’. This makes him different from others, elevated above others. People even call him ‘the prophet’, an anointed one of God. Abigail is strongly encourages him in this. He is the one God has chosen to do great things in New York. However, John is not yet aware of the pitfall in his life.
Innocent young church leaders
In my work, I now and then come across young boys around the age of twenty. Boys who are convinced that God has a special calling on their lives. They are the ones who will make a difference in the church. God will give them a national ministry, full of power and wonders. They are certain of this. They have bags full of personal prophecies that confirm this picture. And they also have many talents and gifts. It all sounds very good, but when you talk to them, you notice the gaps and pitfalls in their lives. And it makes your heart sink! How will this end?
‘When leaders don’t know what is happening in their shadow, then they are naive’
When Christian leaders don’t know what is happening in their shadow, then they are naive. Someone who is in the naive or innocent phase of their life does not know about the pitfalls in their life. If you always stay naive, there is a good chance that you will stumble into this pitfall someday. But time often beats us to it. One day you can no longer remain naive. You discover your pitfall and what is happening in the shadow. Even now, caution is required. If you start to believe that the reality of the shadow side prevails more often than not, then you become cynical. At the same time, you have to learn to deal with the shadow and the gravity around the pitfall. “What am I going to do?” is the question that comes back time and again in this phase.
The phase of awareness begins
At first glance, John seems to have everything under control and knows exactly where he is going. He leads a successful life. He is financially well off, literally adored and carried on the hands by hundreds of congregation members. In reality, John is very insecure about who he is, about his self-worth, and about God’s approval in his life. John is not happy. He seems very happy. Of course he talks about the happiness that God wants to give to his children, but being happy himself is something completely different. John notices that he hates it when people talk or write negatively about him. For every negative letter he receives, a hundred compliments do not make it right.
‘You have to learn to deal with the shadow and the gravity around the pitfall’
John notices that he thinks a lot about his father. Not a month goes by without his father writing, calling, or emailing. But John has all his father’s mail thrown away unopened. His secretary never lets the calls through, and when his father once dared to come to him, he almost pushed him away. When he talks to Abigail about it, she encourages him to stay in faith and not give in to the ‘attacks of the enemy’.
‘All this wealth, all this success, all this blessing does not give him the fulfillment he needs’
When it’s quiet at night and John walks through the garden, he realizes that all this wealth, all this success, all this blessing does not give him the fulfillment he needs. At moments like these, he hears the call of the pitfall in his life.
This phase of becoming aware of the pitfall is crucial in life. What do you do when you discover that someone else has dug a pitfall in your life? When you start to hear the constant call of the unfulfilled need? When you realize that everything you have tried so far has not filled this pit? What do you do then?
At the crossroads: which way will it be?
As a person and as a leader, you are at a crossroads. You can go two ways. Either you take time to discover how this pitfall came about, and then start filling it on your knees and over time. This is a slow and painful process. You often need professional help for this. This will cost you tears. This costs you everything you have, to be allowed to become who you are. Unfortunately, this is often a path taken too late, after the fall has happened and everything is broken.
‘This will cost you tears. This costs you everything you have, to be allowed to become who you are’
Or you try to work even harder, to achieve even more success. “Just a few more notches. When that dream is achieved or that vision is fulfilled, then I will truly be happy.”
The leader unconsciously becomes a seeker of happiness. He knows his needs and knows that they must be met. Distortion begins to occur in his thinking, in his work, in his ministry. It becomes easier to cross the boundaries of other people. His needs become clearer to him and his needs increasingly take precedence over those of others.
‘Unless the leader changes course, he is now heading straight for his fall’
Unless the leader changes course and still goes in search of filling the pitfall with the right things, he is now heading straight for his fall. It only takes a few years before the fall actually takes place. They fall because they dare not climb into their pitfall and then fill the pit to the brim. But gravity eventually does its work and the leader falls.
The monster in the pit
In my own life, I want to prevent this fall, with everything I have. Not only for myself, my family, and my friends, but also because a leader always finds himself on the glass plate in the photocopier. With everything I do, I unconsciously copy myself into others. Not only my strong points, but also my pitfalls are copied in this. Anyway, that pitfall must be closed. But this is easier said than done. The following is from a new story I am writing:
The king looks at me. “Will you do something for me?” “Anything, Lord. Whatever you ask.” “Go back to your own estate. There is a well in your castle.” I nod. The king continues: “Remove the cover of the well and climb down.” “But…”, I look hesitant. Indeed, there is a well in my castle. I don’t know if the king knows this, but there’s a terrible monster in that well. The well had been sealed for years. But recently, I had an intuition to carefully open the well and immediately a terrible roar rose from it.
What was that? I remember how, trembling with fear, I forced myself to look into that well. First, my eyes had to adjust to the dark. Everything was pitch black. But as I looked longer, I saw a terrible monster. I didn’t know how quickly to pull my head back. Quickly, I slid the heavy cover back on the well and immediately the roar stopped. How shaken I was. There’s a monster in my castle. How can that be?
‘I feel it’s my fault that this monster is there’
I see the king looking at me questioningly. Do I dare tell the king about this monster? Deep down, I am ashamed of it. Somewhere, I feel it’s my fault that this monster is there. Somehow, I know this monster should not have been there, or am I talking nonsense? Would the king despise me for this monster? Suddenly, I feel the king’s hand on my shoulder. “Trust me. Remove the cover of the well and climb down. Go!”
As the king mounts his horse and rides away, I am left in doubt. The king must surely know something about that monster. What should I do with that monster? I can’t leave it in the well. I have to do something with the king’s command. The next time he sees me, he will ask me about the well. But then I have to climb into the well. What if the monster is stronger than me and it overpowers me? What if it devours me? I notice that I am afraid. More afraid than I have been in a long time. Afraid of this monster in my well. Afraid that I won’t be able to master it, but that it will overpower me. What will happen if I come face to face with it?
‘What will happen if I come face to face with it?’
The words “trust in me” come back to my mind, and I feel calmer. “The king is not mad. He surely knows about that monster and I have my sword after all. I will skewer that monster on my sword. I will kill it, once and for all!” I feel braver by the minute, but when I arrive at my castle in the evening, I realize I am not ready yet. Tomorrow morning, I will climb into that well. Tomorrow, I will do something about it! For today, I still get away with it. Filling the pitfall is not urgent. The monster of unfulfilled need is well situated there. Tomorrow is a new day.
This is how we deceive ourselves. We are like the café owner with his sign ‘Coffee is free tomorrow,’ while our fall may be getting closer.
START OF THE SERIAL I NEW EPISODE OF ‘THE ANOINTED’ NEXT SATURDAY
Are you familiar with my other articles discussing the process of church leaders falling into sin:
- Three Reasons Why Bible-Believing Christians Don’t Really Exist
- Secularisation: Are Evangelicals Losing Their Young People?
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