4 Ways to Improve Family Communication

3. Intentionality

The absolute best way to improve communication is to communicate.

I am a writer and a romantic at heart. Some times the need to write just explodes within me. I have to put some words down. I’ve got an incredible idea! I feel inspired. The problem is that this doesn’t happen every day. The best writing advice I got was to write 300 words a day, by force if necessary. It is incredible how often inspiration arrives with an invitation.

The same is true for meaningful communication. Our approach seems to be – ‘I’ll communicate when the need arrives; when something strikes me’. We only talk to one another when we’re bursting with emotion.

A simple ‘how was your day’ isn’t really enough. We’ve learned the placid responses expected. We’ve set up the walls to avoid saying anything of substance. Our communication is mostly a dance of superficiality.

The problem is that there is always more going on than we say. There’s always more going on than we are even aware of. In an ideal world, communication would come naturally. But this is not an ideal world. If we want to grow in intimacy, we have to be intentional about creating the space for it.

4. Active Listening

One of our classic defense mechanisms is to set up a filter by which we receive everything that comes our way. My wife can ask me to take out the trash and I can hear ‘you’re lazy and don’t do anything around here’. I’m so afraid of being seen as weak, unproductive, meaningless, that I constantly assume others are accusing me of it. I do this so I’m not ambushed by them. I will see it coming. I will defend myself.

What’s being said and what is being heard are not always the same thing.

A very practical way to make sure everyone is on the same page is through active listening. I can say to my wife, “Babe, what I hear you saying is that I’m worthless”. Dramatic? Yes. But honest as well. And it gives her the chance to say “No, I’m just asking you to love me by taking out the trash. You do so much already. I’m just exhausted and would appreciate your help.” She might say, “Yeah, I don’t think you do enough around here.” Either way, we are honing in on the truth.

Because so much of human conversing is superficial, we are constantly paranoid about what people really mean. What they really think.

Active listening opens the door for unity of understanding and clarity between all parties.