What To Do When Two Loves Collide

I used to think every decision was binary. A right one and a wrong one. If I made the wrong decision, I’d be derailed. If I made the right one, there was little comfort. Another decision (and another chance to derail) was just around the corner.

We spend our lives developing patterns. All of our experiences, our values, and our repeated behavior form into a sort of shorthand way of thinking, perceiving, and doing. Of course, some of our patterns are bad. We are defensive, entitled, arrogant, etc. We’ve learned and reinforced these negative behaviors. And when we finally wake up to their deficiencies, we are in the first step of change.

But some of my patterns are good. What do I do when my System One strain comes not from a bad pattern showing itself as insufficient but when two good patterns face off against one another? It is a unique crossroads. The decision between good and better (rather than between a good and a bad). My instinct, of course, is to figure out how to preserve both – have my proverbial cake and eat it to.

Bending Reality

When it becomes clear I can’t keep both of my loves, my second attempt at a resolution is to re-cast one of the choices. I try my best to make one the antagonist. Or my friends will do the same (a-la Job in the Bible).

For example, I am a person who loves rest. I’m never in much danger of being overworked. Much more prone to procrastination and laziness than being a busybody. It can be a curse, but also a blessing. I’m good at being present, slowing down, finding peace. Yet I am also a very disciplined person, in my own way. I have a handful of practices I do every day. They are exercises that make me come alive and bring lift to my existence. And often these two sides of me are wrestling with one another. I am exhausted and overwhelmed, but still have some disciplines I long (not need, but desire) to do.

My instinct in this situation is to make the disciplines the bad guy. I over-correct and justify a binge weekend of apathy that ends up not feeling much like rest, more like malaise.

In order to decide between my two loves, I have to give each their proper due. I have to name the truth. Acknowledge reality. Re-casting the narrative is tempting. It is a way to jolt the decision back into a paradigm I can more easily navigate. But loosing a grip on the reality of the situation is not helpful. Somewhere inside I know I’m deceiving myself.

Balance and Timing

There are two things that help me when my loves collide. Well, three, I guess. The first is to discern if they are both really loves. Is one masquerading? Am I trying to hold onto a lust in disguise? But that is a different blog.

Assuming I am dealing with a crossroad of two genuinely good patterns, it is helpful to consider balance and timing.

The truth is, there is a time and place for each of our good things. There is a time for assertiveness and a time for holding back. A time to rest and a time to press on. A time to persevere and a time to quit. Sounds a lot like the famous passage in Ecclesiastes. Balance is about understanding that life is more complicated than one moment, one decision, one circumstance. Sometimes I need to rest. And sometimes I need to finish my disciplines. And sometimes the two aren’t as mutually exclusive as they seem.

When we find ourselves caught between two loves, we have to make a choice. It is that simple. Knowing the choice is likely between good and better rather than good and evil. Knowing our values is essential. Having a vision to guide us is important. Otherwise, I really don’t know how to discern between good and better.

With values and vision as your guide, it then comes down to weighing the consequences and seeking the truth. What side of the balance scale is best for right now. Being wary of self-deception, do our best to discern what pattern needs to make way for the other. I’m not sure if we will ever feel perfectly confident about the decisions we make between good and better. But we have to have the courage to make them and move forward, prepared for another decision, another crossroad, another opportunity to pursue our best life.