Is Death the Ultimate Life Coach?

Can thinking about death get us more tuned in to life?

The ancient philosophers called the Stoics, who lived around the time of Jesus, had a practice known as memento mori. It’s a Latin phrase that literally means “remember you must die.” And while it may sound like a real downer, it was a way for the Stoics to strip away the trivialities of life and focus on what matters.

The Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius would jot down notes in a private diary, daily reminders that his time here on earth was limited (published posthumously as the book Meditations.)  In one passage, he reminded himself “You could leave right now. Let that determine what you say and think.” It helped keep him humble and on a virtuous track.

Similarly, Seneca engaged in a “moral inventory” at the end of each day, reminding himself that he might not wake up the next morning. His goal was to reach a state of “completion,” so he wouldn’t carry any “debts” from one day to the next. Each morning was then treated as a “bonus” and he greeted it with gratitude rather than expectation.

Sometimes nearing death brings us fresh wisdom.

In the book Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, Susan Cain tells us that many people experience the most important moments of their lives near its very end. She points to a study from the University of North Carolina which asked people to imagine what death would feel like. They used words like “sadness,” “fear,” and “anxiety.”

But here’s the twist: The study showed that those who were actually facing death didn’t use that language. They were more likely to speak of “meaning,” “connection,” and “the love of family and close friends.” The researchers concluded: “Meeting the grim reaper may not be as grim as it seems.” Cain writes:

When you know, really know, that you won’t live much longer, your perspective narrows and deepens. You start to fact focus on what matters most, stop caring so much about ambition, status, and getting ahead. You want the time you have left to be charged with love and meaning.

Three questions to ask before death comes calling.

Should take the lessons taught by the Stoics and Cain to heart? After all, it’s within the realm of reality that some of us will lose our lives without warning, through a sudden health event, a vehicular accident or perhaps a random act of violence. What if there was no time for preparation and life was suddenly yanked from you like a rug pulled out from under your feet? Would you have regrets?

The inspirational writer Dawna Markova has had time to contemplate the notion of imminent death and for good reason. Markova is a cancer survivor who has been diagnosed with the disease on six different occasions. That’s not a typo, six different times. Several decades ago, she was told she had only six months to live. Yet, after each diagnosis, she battled back and is now 83.

Markova was interviewed on the Sounds True podcast and asked how she did it—how did she find the motivation and willpower to not give in to a deadly disease that has come so close to taking her life? She says that each time she was diagnosed with cancer, she found herself asking “what’s unfinished for me to do?” She then asks herself three questions:

1. What do I still have to give?

2. What do I still have to learn?

3. What do I still have to experience?

Each time she has found herself asking these questions, she has realized there is still work for her to do in this lifetime. She concludes that:

1. She has wisdom and life experiences she can share with others.
2. She has new lessons to learn so she can continue growing as a human being. (The learning never stops.)
3. She still has places she wants to go and people she needs to see.

How are you using your remaining time?

In a now defunct blog called The River Walk, the author known as BJ had a similar refrain. He examined the Bible passage 2 Samuel 14:14 which reads: “All of us must die eventually. Our lives are like water spilled out on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again.” He then looked at his own life and asked questions we might also ask of ourselves:

Every day I have lived in my life is a day that I can never get back. Like water on the ground, I cannot recover it. The question is, did I pour it out or was it spilled out? The day I am living today, the one I will live tomorrow, am I investing it with purpose or am I just accidentally tripping my way through it?

If the curtain suddenly closed on your life, can you say you were engaged and lived your days with purpose? Or tripping your way through it? Are you in loving relationships with your family and close friends? Have you achieved your life goal or at least made progress toward whatever you were supposed to achieve during this lifetime?

If you’re like me, you answer these questions with maybes and half-yeses. You reexamine your priorities. You realize that there are tweaks to be made, wisdom to be shared, love and kindnesses to be extended. You discern that there is work still to be done, and there is no better time to get started than right now from this moment forward.