Not That It Would Have Changed a Thing

Ok. I’m calling in the big guns.

I just read this thing, “25 Things I wish I knew before having kids” from another mom on babycenter. And none of it looks terribly crazy. It all looks/sounds eerily familiar.

And it’s freaking me out.

According to this list, beginning in late April, I’m not going to sleep at least three years. Actually, scratch that. If I’m anything like my own mom, I’m not going to sleep for 18 years. And if my kids are anything like me, during years 13-16, I’ll sleep less than I do during their first months of life. You know, when they don’t sleep through the night, so neither do I?

My marriage is being turned on its head. My husband, whom I love and cherish and treasure more than anyone else in this universe, and I are going to have to re-learn how to be married, this time with kids. Forget about baby proofing. That’s easy. What about intimacy? What about date nights? What about sitting up til all hours and just laughing? Will I ever be not-tired enough to enjoy any of that again? How am I going to continue being a wife when I become a mother?

I am about to completely lose my former self (if I haven’t lost her already) and become someone new. Namely, a mother. Everything about me is going to shift. It’s gonna have to shift, lest I raise a son who a) hates me, and b) will desperately need years and years of expensive therapy. This is difficult for me, because I’m selfish. And I like it.

Career? What career? I’m not good at multi-tasking, and having-a-baby seems, from everything I can tell thus far, like a pretty time-consuming affair. I don’t have the first clue what to do or think about that.

According to the list, shower time will be my favorite 5 minutes of the day. Because those minutes are all mine.

According to the list, I won’t have a clean house for a year…and I shouldn’t mind. Clearly, these people don’t know me at all, or anything about my obsessive compulsion for things to be presentably clean for company. Which leads me to the next realization…

We will not have company over for years. Because I, apparently, will not be cleaning for that long.

And we chose to cloth diaper. I am tempted to reconsider the dollars we’re saving, the landfills we’re saving, and all that other nonsense, and trade all those savings in for one other salvation of utmost importance: My sanity.

Maybe, with just eight more weeks to go, I should ask for a few more weeks of bed rest?