Witch For Hire: a Cover Letter

Witch For Hire: a Cover Letter August 17, 2017

How does one retreat from full-time self-employment as a Witch, to finding a muggle day job? This is a question I consider with some regularity.  I often fantasize about what an interview might sound like as I attempt to explain that employment gap the seven years I stayed home to raise my kids, and what I’ve been doing at The Sojourner the nine years since then.

The last time I applied for a job, Bill Clinton’s economic golden bubble of plenty was still afloat, loans were handed out like Halloween candy, and my shiny new bachelor’s degree was all I needed to land a fabulous professional gig with salary and full benefits. Those days are long over. This is Trump’s America now; it’s a dog-run-down-dog-in-the-street, survival-of-the-biggest-bull-shitter, nuclear-winter-is-coming, kind of world.

Because I’m a smart ass whose field of fucks grows more barren by the day, this is what I’ve come up with so far. Would you hire me?

Witch seeks Muggle Employment: A cover Letter - Witch on Fire
Heron Holds the Moon

Witch Seeks Muggle Employment

Dear Future Employer,

I humbly submit my application for the advertised position, as I believe that I am uniquely qualified. To be blunt: I am a Witch, and having a Witch on your team can give you a competitive edge in today’s market place. For example, we’ve been known to spin straw into gold when there’s a blue moon on Thursday in a leap year, the Sun is in the second house, and Jupiter is conjunct our natal Leo, but let’s not trifle over the fine print.

Skills: I’m a kindler of infectious enthusiasm, and pied piper of inner-children, whimsy and cheer. I fart rainbows, sweat sunshine and can fly. My smile once launched a thousand ships; unfortunately, they were all smashed on the rocks of foolish idealism. Though all was lost, they died happy and singing my praises to the tune of “100 bottles of beer on the wall.”

My psychic abilities are so fearsome that they require special permission by city council to practice in this county (1). I can travel to anywhere in time and space and never leave the room. I can draw down the moon, negotiate with the Gods, and have a hoard of flying monkeys at my command. Yet, we have not yet divined how best to trade these abilities for affordable health insurance. This is where you come in.

Experience:  My fastest speed for changing from executive power suit to superhero suit in a phone booth is half the time it takes to actually find a phone booth. I once resolved a client’s existential crises using nothing but my smartphone, while grocery shopping with a toddler and a baby, and still saved $24.99 with coupons.

With only my own body and holistic living I created two entirely new human beings, then fed them for free for a year. They were so cute they both won blue ribbons at the state fair. Over the seven years of my hands-on management approach to Project Upbringing, we saw an overwhelming profit margin in the department of Polite, Pleasant and Healthy Juvenile Development (PPHJD).

References: Due to the God Pluto once losing to me in a game of gin rummy, I can have enlightenment or material riches, but not both. I may not have made the right choice; thus, my application for this position. However, he will attest to my abilities to pinch a penny until it screams in pain. I am also on a first name basis with the elephant in this room. She’s agreed to be my character reference, but is very judgmental, so I don’t like her much.

With this minimum wage position, I know that together we can take over the world, but in a loving, egalitarian way, of course.

Thank you for your consideration,

Heron Michelle
Witch For Hire

  1. I’ve actually spoken at length with the business license office in Pitt County, North Carolina, about a very old law on the books that are bold-face discriminatory against any “Gypsies” coming to town. If you wish to sell “fortune telling services,” which they consider all divination forms like tarot, palm-reading, mediumship, etc. to fall under, you are technically supposed to go before the city council and ask for special dispensation to practice, pay for a license that costs five times the amount that a regular retail business would pay, and stay outside the city limits. Of course, no one has complied with law, nor been prosecuted under it, in many decades. I’m an out-law every time I read someone’s cards. I dare them to challenge me as I’m just itching for a reason to get that law struck from the books.

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