Witches are a minority, surrounded on all sides by the Christian over-culture. If history and scripture are reliable indications, Christians have been scared to death of witches since the beginning! I mean, “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live” (Exodus 22:18) is a pretty harsh order, even if it is mistranslated. And by “witches” we know y’all could mean: sorcerers, seers, little old grannies who keep to themselves, anyone with property you’d like to seize for the church, anyone with a magickal life-creating womb, folks who’d rather not be enslaved, any thinker with a fresh idea, or an herbalist who happens to know which plants are poisons. Because terrifying…
Indeed. Right they should be terrified! Witches are dangerous to the status quo, but perhaps not for the reasons you’d think.
No, witches do not “Eat Christian Baby Soup.”(1) No, we do not use Harry Potter novels to “lure fresh virgins to sacrifice.”(2) Yes, Christians have actually accused me of both, to my face, and were absolutely wide-eyed serious in their terror. Yes, we see our neighbors peeking hungrily over the hedgerows, as we dance shamelessly and joyously under the full moon light. Bless their hearts.
For the most part, witches are law-abiding, peaceful folk, just healing and loving and living our best life. I’d like to say that we pose no real threat to our mostly-Christian neighbors, but that would be only half true. The rise of Modern Witchcraft is an enormous threat to the systems enabling the church’s puritanical moral control in our society. Our dastardly witching agenda is to tear that shit right down. Yet, free will is the one thing we can agree on, so good luck with that.
That being said, there are some totally legit reasons for a woe-begone Christian to at least resent the hell out of witches like myself. (5) <cackle>
13 Legit Reasons for Christians to Resent Witches
- Most of us can accept that your God of Abraham exists; we just think he’s an asshole (5).
- We might also accept your “Satan” exists, sadly. Though for the most part we pay him no mind. It’s just precious how y’all let your oppressors invent this character to terrorize and extort you. This is well known, and yet you’re still feeding this tulpa a steady diet of evil, while calling it “God’s work.” (5) <tsk tsk>
- Yes, witches have read the bible, or the Watchtower pamphlet, or the Cartoon Chick Tract you left last time you rang our doorbell waaaayyy too early in the morning; this is how we know all the deets about the “evil deity” that is controlling you, and it isn’t the “Satan” side of your pantheon. Sure, come on in, but cross our threshold, and your soul may be in mortal peril. Why? Because we tend to know factual things that make lots of sense, and will point out the obvious flaws in your theology. Our logic may confuse you into thinking for yourself. There is a reason that the local Jehovah’s Witnesses put my address on the “do not visit” list. Y’all keep proving my points, which is hysterical.
- Yes, we are laughing at you, which isn’t very neighborly, but that is how you defeat a boggart (6). Riddikulus!
- Your excuses are invalid; Witches will not save you from your problems. We insist you save yourself. Victim Cards are not an accepted form of currency in our realm.
- Our mere existence smashes the patriarchy; toxic-masculine posturing is rendered NULL in our presence. For the most part, we encourage our men to be sensitive and nurturing. We encourage our women to be strong and ambitious. We encourage our children to be exactly whatever rainbow of fruit flavors makes their hearts sing. Vice versa and all of the above, no exclusions. These are the children who will inherit the earth, so get used to it. (7)
- We see what you’re trying to do there, with your thoughts and prayers, and white-supremacy and gay conversion therapy. You won’t get away with it for long. Yes, we have flying monkeys and they know where you live.
- We do not play your game; therefore, your rules do not apply to us. Moreover, we are on a first name basis with The Elephant in this room, and we aren’t afraid to call him out for his bullshit.
- Our version of communion wafers tend to be chocolate chip cookies. This is how we know our Mother God/dess really does love us. How does Jesus feel about y’all cannibalizing him with those flavorless styrofoam crackers they’re serving in your church? I don’t know what that should imply, but I’d look into that if I were you.
- No witching “missionary work” is allowed, but all of the fun sexual positions are fair game. We can choose any number and variety of consenting adult partners. We throw the best parties on Holy Days, and we get one every 6 weeks! We get to drink the good wine, sing, dance, and make love all as praise! In *our* scripture (3), the God/dess says this is how we should worship. So, love and pleasure = church.
- We don’t care what *your* ass-backward scripture allows, we’re gonna insist that all your sexual partners also be “consenting” and “legal adults.” Neither will we allow you to enslave people, or beat your spouse, or ignore the sick and homeless at the city gate. Hardly seems fair, I know. Still…flying monkeys. (4)
- Witches are more “Christ-like” than most Christians, which has GOT to gum up your propaganda machines. I mean, we’re over here being all ethical and responsible and shit. We go off seeking prayerful inspiration in the wilderness; defy the heartless corruption of religious leaders, and chat with Divinity like it’s easy. We choose life, by protecting free-will. We heal the sick, perform magickal “miracles,” and offer prophecy and counsel. We befriend the disenfranchised, and just keep flipping those money-changer’s tables right out of our temples. Best of all, when folks are hungry, EVERYONE is welcome at our feast tables; What witches are serving is both wholesome and delicious. Just. Like. Jesus. But better, because we don’t need an ancient, mythological Rabbi to scare us into being decent humans.
- No, we aren’t even a little bit sorry about 1-12.
Keep up the good work, my Witches! It’ll confuse them!
1) I’ve never tried Christian Baby Soup, but I’d assume it would be too bitter for my tastes. (4)
2) Any kid who’s read Harry Potter knows a “Death Eater” when they see one. They already know that “the Ministry has fallen” to Voldemort. Those kids are all well over voting age now, and we’re reading the books to our own kids, who are turning 18 themselves. Which is likely why young adults are leaving Christianity in droves, and showing up to the polls in record numbers to “do what is right, rather than what is easy.” So while those books have zero to do with actual witchcraft, and witches don’t give a damn about “virginity,” and make no human sacrifices (4) The Christian Establishment should definitely be afraid, because Dumbledore’s Army grew up, and we are taking over.
3) Ok, The Charge of the Goddess isn’t exactly”scripture,” as we aren’t people of the book. Witches are more people of the library. But what is the difference between holy scripture, and poetic religious liturgy, besides a couple thousand years?
4) No seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Why do we have to keep explaining that murder, and sexual abuse of children, nuns, and altar boys is wrong? What is it with you protecting pedophiles, and old men taking child brides and defending marital rape? Or your weird obsession with human sacrifice, cannibalism and torture? This is some weird evil! Take it from a witch who knows things about the Spirit Realm: y’all could use a thorough exorcism.
5) Edited as of April 11, 2019: Standard disclaimers apply: Witchcraft is a diverse spiritual movement ranging from polytheist (all the gods are possible) to atheist (no gods are possible); from earth-centered pagan (nature itself is divine) to ceremonial magick occultist (nature isn’t really my thing). We can’t even agree on what the word ‘witch’ means, so there will not be a single point of philosophy or practice that can be presumed to represent every.single.witch. I have ceased with the CYA caveats. But if you are even a hint of a polytheist or occultist, and you deny the possibility of existence of their deity, but all of your gods are absolutely legit, then you need to spend some more time and thought on this, because hypocrisy is a real and present danger…
There are minority deviations from every religious tradition. I do think it is fair to say that relatively speaking, Witches are a collection of most deviant of the worlds deviations, and even we have deviations of THAT. On my blog, I speak for own witchy self, from my relatively broad and eclectic witchy experience, which I think is in alignment with a broad swath of modern witchcraft thealogy and practice that runs right down the middle of the parade. However, I’m fully aware that I am a weirdo among wyrdoes. Best yet, so are you, so let’s give each other a break, ummkay?
6) I like to poke fun, and be silly. My ‘inner child’ is a naughty rascal, and I nurture her. I also rely heavily on ‘mirth’ to keep my ‘reverence’ in balance, because I also have a tendency to take my spiritual mission a bit too seriously. However, you can assume that if I’m referencing Harry Potter or other fantasy fiction in the midst of an obviously tongue in cheek piece of comedy, I mean it as a joke. That being said, I will not allow space to any terrorist. I do not have to play nice with bullies. It was clear from context, that I’m speaking to the hate-filled, fear-mongering, fundamentalist, door-to-door pushy variety of evangelical X-tians, who bear no resemblance to Jesus or his mythology. I will ridicule and shut that shit down whenever I see it. Number 13 applies – I’m not even a little be sorry about that.
7) I’ve heard the criticism of some of my phrasing in this section, and have removed a sentence. It was originally intended to be inclusive, and I do understand the nuances around those terms, but in a comedy piece bannered with chocolate chip cookies, I didn’t intend to trip onto the landmine of the trans-inclusion debate; this was not the piece for that deeper conversation. Suffice it to say, I give no credence to the TERF position, and see it as a minority screed that will die out with the dinosaurs who spew it. Theirs may be the past, but it will not be our future, and Starhawk and Z. and the rest of their TERF cabal are free to resent me for it, too. However, if my general phrasing made the very people I intended to champion, to instead feel upset or misunderstood, I humbly apologize for the blunder.