My family is struggling to get through Christmas. My son-in-law suddenly died in April, and the pain is still deep and sharp. It hurts. And the holidays don’t help. If you recently lost someone special, you know what I mean about surviving the holidays after loss.
How do you navigate the holidays when you’re grieving? What do you do to cope when “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays” have temporarily replaced “Hello” and “Hi”? Can you fake a cheery mood long enough to get through your office Christmas party, neighborhood social or church dinner?
Can your Christian faith help you survive the holidays?
I’m no expert on grief, but I would like to share some suggestions from people who are experienced in helping people like my family and maybe, yours.
How Do You Find Comfort?
“The holiday season can be one of the most difficult times of the year when you have experienced the death of someone you love,” the Mayo Clinic says. “Holidays – a time of family togetherness, traditions, joy and thankfulness – can suddenly bring sadness, loss and a feeling of emptiness.”
Holiday sights, sounds and smells can trigger memories of past Christmases with the person you lost, the clinic says.
Grief is complicated, and people handle loss in different ways. Some find comfort in familiar traditions that remind them of their loved one. Others find that familiar traditions are quite painful, and they look for new ways to survive the holidays after a loss. Still others decide to forego the festivities entirely and find something else to do. That’s okay. Read more here.
How Do You “Celebrate” When Depression Weighs You Down?
My older daughter’s husband died in an accident earlier this year, and the family is still going through the motions of life. My daughter helped the kids put up their Christmas tree several days ago, but they have yet to decorate it. Other decorations add color to the main rooms of the house.
Yet, a sense of depression weighs heavily on our home. The only reprieve comes when family members join us for special occasions.
For the most part, no one – including me – really feels like celebrating. Read my blog post about our loss here.
What Do the Professionals Say?
The Psychology Group – Fort Lauderdale, the Mayo Clinic and other health professionals have several suggestions for people who are grieving this time of year:
Acknowledge your feelings. Your grief won’t disappear because it’s Christmas. In fact, you may feel worse, according to The Psychology Group.
“The holiday season can be especially challenging if you’re dealing with the death of someone close to you,” Mayo says. “Whether it was a recent loss or one that occurred some time ago, feelings of grief can be heightened and may seem overwhelming during the holiday season.”
Accept that positive and negative feelings may co-exist. Give yourself permission to enjoy some aspects of Christmas even though you miss your loved one. Do what feels right for you. You shouldn’t feel guilty about leaving a holiday gathering early or opting out of festivities altogether.
Be prepared for difficult times. “Preparing for them ahead of time will help negative consequences from occurring,” according to the Psychology Group. Think ahead and fill empty roles before the holidays. “Dad always dressed as Santa or Aunt always cut the turkey”… give those jobs to someone else before Santa is scheduled to arrive or you’re ready to eat turkey, says The Psychology Group.
Consider grief-coping activities such as listening to music, practicing yoga, taking a walk or writing in a journal, the group urges. Help someone in need. Check with volunteer organizations in your community to see how you can help.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Surround yourself with good friends, family members, your pastor and faith community, and consult a mental health professional if necessary. Learn more here.
Loss Doesn’t Cause All the Pain
The Rev. Anne Robertson, a pastor and author based in Westford, MA, recalls the pain she felt when her grandfather died on the anniversary of her father’s death.
She lost both of them on All Saint’s Day, which is on Nov. 1. Thanksgiving and Christmas were just around the corner, and the major holidays only compounded her pain.
But death wasn’t the only reason the holidays brought pain. “The year my father died suddenly of a heart attack, the year of my divorce, the many years I was 1,200 miles away from any family member were all times that I wished the holiday rush would rush just a bit faster and bring me safely into the dullness of mid-January,” she says in her article “A Time of Joy and Pain: Dealing with Sorrow in the Holiday Season.” Read more here.
Two Ways to Survive
Two things helped Rev. Robertson survive the holidays after her grandfather’s death. The first was doing something different. The second was listening to “the best Christmas sermon ever preached.” You’ve undoubtedly heard it more than once….
But wait. We’ll get to the sermon in a minute. First, let’s look at different ways the reverend decided to celebrate the holidays.
Rev. Robertson says that her family decided they couldn’t cope with the holidays alone after her father died. Rather than mark Thanksgiving with traditional activities, they invited their church to gather with them.
Members who didn’t want to celebrate Thanksgiving as usual joined them. The gathering included the pastor’s family, along with some church members who were grieving, others who would have spent the holiday alone, and still others who “just wanted to be with us.”
Another year, the pastor spent Thanksgiving and Christmas ministering to prison inmates.
How the “Best Christmas Sermon Ever” Eased Her Pain
Now, about that sermon….
Rev. Robertson admits that “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” isn’t overtly religious, but “it conveys the truth of the Gospel better than just about anything else out there at this time of year.”
She explains that like the Grinch, she wanted to dump all the trappings of Christmas over a cliff when she was hurting. Maybe becoming the Grinch would ease the raw pain she felt.
“But then, as I’m pulling my sleigh full of the joys of others up to the top of Mt. Crumpit to dump it, I pause and look back for a moment. And in that moment, I see past the glitz and feasting, I look past my own heartache to really see what is going on. It isn’t what I expected.
“All those things that made my pain so acute are, in fact, shadows. They aren’t what the holidays are really all about. Thanksgiving and Christmas are about God, not me. They are about what God has done for the world, not about what the world has done to my life.”
She continues that the Grinch came to an important realization, as well: He “thought about something he hadn’t before! ‘Maybe Christmas,’ he thought, ‘doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more!”
“Maybe Christmas…Perhaps…Means a Little Bit More!”
My family is trying to focus on Who sits at our table this Christmas rather than who isn’t with us. One new tradition that my daughters and I have begun this year is lighting an Advent wreath and having devotions at home. I thought this new tradition might help my grieving daughter.
I made the wreath and asked that daughter to provide the appropriate number of purple, pink and white candles. She spent several days running from one store to another until she found what we needed. I subscribed to daily devotionals and scriptures and selected readings for our first family service.
On the first Sunday of Advent, we placed the wreath on my kitchen table, lit the first candle and read the devotion and scripture I had chosen. My older daughter said a few words and closed our little service with a prayer. It was simple, yet beautiful.
My church’s candlelight service on Christmas Eve will be another special time. I try to make it every year, although I haven’t attended in three years. The service was cancelled in 2020 and 2021, and I was sick last year. I’m anxious to get back on track.
I pray that I can attend this year’s service. I also pray for families such as ours, who are grieving this holiday season.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for giving us the greatest gift we will ever receive – your son Jesus, our Lord and Savior. As we celebrate His birth this Christmas season, please ease the pain we are suffering. Help us see the light beyond the grief. And please help us remember that the loved one we so deeply cherish is wrapped in Christ’s loving arms and that we will one day reunite with him in Christ. In Jesus’s holy name. Amen.
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