How Do We Cultivate Meaningful Connections?

Our society is increasingly divisive, individualistic and insensitive. And in this environment, some people struggle to cultivate meaningful connections and substantial relationships, especially people who used to find connections and relationships in church.  I wrote about leaving church and finding community here. I wrote about leaving church and maintaining spiritual practices here.

Some People Struggle to Cultivate Meaningful Connections

Recently, I was on a Zoom call with some deconstructing Christians and ex-Christians who were lamenting the loss of their church communities. “I wish that I had such a close community now.”  One friend, a compassionate and wise person (and a former minister), replied, “Maybe, but be careful what you wish for. Where are those people today? They shunned us when we left church.

“Worse, they betrayed our confidences. While we were so trusting that we confessed our deepest secrets and our most private failings to them, they were so untrustworthy that they turned on us. After we left, they said things like ‘He was an addict, a cheat, a liar, a thief. He was never a real Christian. Good riddance.'”

Some of my “church friends” are still friends because there was something that bound us beyond a shared belief system. But many of my church friends were just people that I knew from church.  Just like some of my “work friends” are still friends because there was something that bound us beyond a shared workplace. But many of my work friends were just people that I knew from work.

So, how do we cultivate meaningful connections and substantial relationships? And how do we develop friendships with real friends, not just “church friends” or “work friends?”

We Can Put Ourselves Out There

In The Way, I described how a casual friend posted a distressing message on social media, “The worst part of being strong is that no one ever asks if you’re okay.” We have all seen these posts. Usually, we react with a sad face, or we say something unhelpful like, “I’m praying for you,” or something vague, like “Call me if you need anything.”

How much clearer can someone be? The post is a call for help. The person needs attention, RIGHT NOW, from another person. When I saw my friend’s post, I knew that she had a terminal illness, that I could not “fix” her, and that (even if we were to develop a “lifelong” friendship), she was not going to live a long life. Still, I reached out, and we became dear friends.

That connection developed into one of the closest connections that I ever had. So, since that experience, I have reached out to people who appear to be suffering in some way. Often, when I say, “Here’s my number. I’m always available for a call or a Zoom call. When are you available?” they say, “I’m available RIGHT NOW.” And we connect RIGHT NOW.

In my life, there are a few people who reached out in my darkest hour. We will always be friends. There are a few people whom I reached out to in their darkest hours. We will always be friends. Several years ago, I did a “gratitude tour” to thank the people who reached out to me. “You helped me when I needed it most. And you changed my life. I appreciate it.”

P.S. If you do a gratitude tour, do it RIGHT NOW. I tracked down one of my helpers, a former minister, in a memory care center. We embraced. I reminded him who I was and why I was there. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I don’t remember you, but you seem like a nice guy, and I’m glad that I helped you.” It was a bittersweet moment. If you ever do a gratitude tour, bring Kleenex.

We Can Respond Warmly When People Approach Us

Some people struggle to cultivate meaningful connections and substantial relationships, especially people who used to find connections and relationships in church.

One of the unexpected benefits of writing a book is that readers will occasionally reach out. “I enjoyed your book. I like your columns. They resonate with me, and it feels like I know your heart.” That person is already a friend. We just haven’t met yet. And we need to fix that RIGHT NOW.

Many people complain about how social media creates enemies, fosters divisions, and pushes people into silos. I have seen those things happen, too. But, for me, social media has connected me, created lasting friendships, fostered mutual understanding, and overcome superficial differences that can divide well-meaning people who have more in common than they ever realized.

In fact, many of my close friends in “real” life are people whom I first met online. And they are NOT always people who act like me, look like me, or think like me. My circle of friends is wider now, and I have met people online whom I never would have met in the normal course of things.

In The Way, I described how our cultural exchange trip to Ghana led to our sponsoring several African men and women in their college educations. This has become a six-figure investment for us. In the process, we helped these young men and women (many of whom we never met) to work through financial problems, medical problems, relationship problems, transportation problems, etc.

Sometimes, people exclaim, “You are taking a tremendous amount of risk in befriending people whom you do not know and sending money to people whom you have never met.” Of course, I am, but if I want people to connect with me, I have to connect with them. If I want people to pay it forward, I have to make the investment. If I want people to trust me, I have to trust them.

“What if your African students spend your money on beer and cigars?” In my experience, if you extend trust, then you will inspire trust. Also, remember that I am NOT Mother Teresa. After all, what would I spend my money on if I did not spend it on African college students? I would certainly spend some of it on beer and cigars!!

We Can Take the First Step

When we retired, many of our “friends” were not real friends, but people that we knew from church or from work. And many of our real friends were still busy with their families and their work. Often, we would have to initiate things, and we wondered. “Why doesn’t anybody call us?” Eventually, we realized that many people do not call, but many of the same people do call back.

We discovered the Rule of Three:  If you want anybody to call back, call at least three people, or call the same person at least three times. At first, people might be surprised to hear from you, but once they realize that you are not selling something or soliciting donations, they will get used to your calls. Before long, they might look forward to your calls, and they might even call you back.

Today, we sometimes wonder, “Why does everybody call us?” We have more friends and deeper friendships. Also, our friends are more diverse, since we met them in so many different places. What a dramatic change and what a great “problem” to have!!

One year, I approached a different person every month with the same genuine, but unusual, proposal. “You are the most interesting person that I know. I have nothing to sell, and nothing to tell. But I would like to take you to lunch, just so that I can get to know you a little better.” Nine out of ten people were thrilled to have lunch. After a year, I had twelve new, interesting friends.

Also, at the end of my lunch with the most interesting people that I know, I would ask, “Who is the most interesting person that you know? ” You can probably guess what I did next. Exactly!! RIGHT NOW, I approached that person. “The most interesting person that I know said that you are the most interesting person that he/she knows. I would like to take you to lunch.”

Some people struggle to cultivate meaningful connections and substantial relationships, especially people who used to find connections and relationships in church.