This is part of an ongoing Q&A series on “Counseling For Infidelity.” If your marriage has been rocked by an affair, please attend our free webinar for Patheos readers, provided by Your Family Expert.
Q: My wife had an affair. This was just over 18 months ago and, while we are doing better, I still harbor feelings of doubts. I have questions. Why she would have chosen that? Will she do it again? Additionally, I’m still bitter over her reaction after I discovered her indiscretions. She blamed me and threatened divorce. I feel like she’s stopped these behaviors, so in that sense we are better off, but I don’t feel like she has ever truly apologized or repented.
A: Thank you so much for reaching out to me with this. I’ll cover this in greater detail later, but here’s my short version. If she blamed you and threatened divorce, she was likely scared. She was ashamed because she was doing something that was against her values. So in order to be okay with that in her mind, she had to convince herself that she was justified and that it was your fault. But the simple fact is, affairs are only the fault of the people who have them. They cross a line, a moral line. They make a choice. Relationship problems we create together. But affairs, crossing that line… one person in the relationship makes that decision.
If that helps her to be willing to do whatever it takes, recommend infidelity marriage counseling with a qualified therapist, either at Your Family Expert or elsewhere.