American Jesus Madness 2016 – Bracket Breakdown

Before I get started with my annual backed breakdown, I’ve got a super important scheduling update for you: to help myself out with some real life stuff I need to do (cause I’m selfish like that) and to give you something to do while you’re bored at work on Monday (cause I’m generous like that), voting for the 1st round of American Jesus Madness 2016 will now begin Monday, March 21st instead of tomorrow as currently scheduled.

This means I will also extend bracket submissions through the weekend with the new deadline being midnight Sunday, March 20th.

Real life stuff on my end aside, I think starting voting on Monday actually makes more sense and I honestly don’t know why I didn’t think about it before. If voting starts on Monday, then we can carry the tournament straight through the week instead of breaking for the weekend after the second round as previously planned.

Which means this is the new tournament schedule….

Monday, March 21st – 1st Round Voting

Tuesday, March 22nd – Salacious 16 Voting

Wednesday, March 23rd – Exquisite 8 Voting

Thursday, March 24th – 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Voting

Friday, March 25th – Championship Voting

Saturday, March 26th – Champion Revealed

My apologies for the last minute change, but I think ultimately this will turn out more fun for both of us.

Anyway, time for the bracket breakdown.

Every year before voting begins I like to offer a breakdown of the first round matchups as a guide of sorts to voting.

Who or what you vote for and why is, as always, completely up to you, but I know there are plenty of people out there in internet land who are not familiar with everyone or everything in the tournament. So, I offer this breakdown as a guide of sorts to try and explain who and what is in the tournament.

Fair warning, though, this breakdown is about as serious as the tournament itself.

Not very.

Oh, and just like last year, if you have a breakdown of your own on your own blog, send me the link, and I’ll add it below.

And, of course, if you haven’t done so already, make sure you download the bracket, fill it out completely (i.e. every round), and email it to ajmbrackets@gmail.com before the end of the day on Sunday, March 20th. You can still vote without filling out a bracket, but filling out a bracket is what makes this tournament so much fun.

So check out the breakdown below, fill out a bracket, send it to me, and get ready to make your predictions come true on Monday!

Donald Trump vs. Basic Human Decency

If you had asked me this time last year if I ever thought I would see Donald Trump in a make believe tournament about pop Christianity, I would have said, “Of course not. He has nothing to do with Christianity.” But that was before Trump conveniently found Jesus and countless Americans abandoned their Lord and Savior for a new, orangeier one. Trump’s campaign, of course, has been marked by an audacious lack of even basic human decency. Which means if a run for the presidency isn’t enough to let Basic Human Decency rule the day in real life, I can’t imagine it’s got much chance in the land of make believe.

Ben Carson vs. Staying Awake

Former presidential candidate and current Donald Trump buddy Ben Carson rose to prominence early in the campaign, only to come crashing back down to earth when it became evident he would probably sleepwalk through his entire term in office, that is if he managed to stay awake long enough during the Inauguration to be officially sworn in. Typically, such a loss would be difficult on a person, but more than likely Carson’s perpetual narcolepsy prevented him from feeling felt the cold sting of defeat. This is Carson’s chance at revenge. Since there are no rules against performance enhancing drugs in this tournament and Carson is a doctor, don’t be surprised if he writes himself a prescription for all the stimulants known to man to pull an epic albeit groggy upset.

Ted Cruz vs. Integrity

It goes without saying that Integrity is a formidable opponent for any politician. It’s become a sad expectation that our politicians will lie to us, but Ted Cruz has demonstrated something of a gift for fibbing whenever it suits his purposes. Which is apparently about half of everything he says.

Kim Davis vs. The Gay Liberal Agenda Trying To Destroy America

Heeding the call of her Fox News overlords, Kim Davis took a stand for her deeply held beliefs and fought back against the imaginary Gay Liberal Agenda Trying To Destroy America. Sure, the GLATTDA only exists in the minds of folks like Kim, but you can make any conspiracy real if you just believe hard enough and fight fiercely enough, right? Right?? Since her release from jail, Kim Davis has largely faded into the bluegrass hills of her native Kentucky and same-sex couples have been allowed to marry in her country despite her wishes. Yet, inexplicably the Gay Liberal Agenda Trying To Destroy America has failed to do just that, though I guess that depends on what talking head you listen to. It’s time to settle this fight once and for all. Will Kim Davis help make Jesus great again or will the Gay Liberal Agenda finally succeeded in destroying America? It’s up to you…or God, you know, depending on your theology.

Second Amendment vs. Sermon On The Mount

In conservative America, God comes first, but the Constitution comes firster. Jesus may have said something about this, that, or the other back in the day, but if his words are ruled unconstitutional, they need not be followed. Such is the case with shooting your enemies. Sure, Jesus blessed the peacemakers and called on his followers to love their enemies and turn the other cheek in the Sermon on the Mount, but true patriots know the Second Amendment trumps all. This is the Sermon on the Mount’s moment to reclaim its rightful place of prominence in the hearts and minds of American Christians. But who are we kidding? With all that turn the other cheek and love your enemies nonsense, don’t expect the Sermon on the Mount to put up a fight and advance to the next round.

Greg Boyd vs. Benny Holmes

Pastor Greg Boyd is a well known pacifist. Benny Holmes, on the other hand, while also a pastor, has a decidedly different approach to life. When an intruder broke into Holmes’ church this past summer, the good pastor did what any true patriot would do: he shot the guy…and then led him through the Sinner’s Prayer. Soooo half credit? With battle hardened skills like that and a quick trigger finger, it’s hard to see how Greg Boyd will defeat the pistol packing preaching. But those pacifists are a sneaky bunch. They’ve survived for the centuries despite their refusal to fight. So maybe they know something we don’t and if so, maybe Boyd has enough tricks up his sleeve to pull off a peaceful upset.

Jerry Falwell Jr. vs. Loving Your Enemies

Jerry Falwell Jr. has really stepped out of his fathers shadow in recent months. And probably Jesus’ shadow too. Between his call to students to arm themselves and prepare to shoot “those Muslims” if they ever show up on the Liberty University campus and his enthusiastic endorsement of Bigot Supreme Donald Trump, Falwell Jr. has made it clear he has what it takes to toss Loving Your Enemies to the side without blinking an eye. If Loving Your Enemies wants to survive to love another day, it will need a miracle to get past the would-be heir apparent of the not so Moral Majority.

Larycia Hawkins vs. Wheaton College

The dispute between professor Larycia Hawkins and Wheaton College was settled several weeks ago when they decided to part ways after Hawkins controversial act of religious solidarity on Facebook. Do Muslims and Christians worship the same God? Who knows. What I do know is the time for solidarity is over. The is American Jesus Madness and that means war…or you know, feverishly voting on imaginary matchups which is basically the same thing as war but with eternal consequences. Wheaton College donors may have won the employment battle, but given the all the support Hawkins received, there’s a good chance she’ll win the war.

Pope Francis’ Fiat vs. Creflo Dollar’s $65 Million Jet

Only a pastor with a name like Dollar would have the audacity to ask his congregants to buy him a $65 private jet. Well, Dollar and just about everyone else on TBN, but that’s neither here nor there. When Pope Francis made his big visit to the United States this summer, his choice of transportation – a Fiat – added to a long list of actions Francis has taken that must have prosperity gospel preachers rolling in their gold lined graves….that is if they were dead which they never will be because they’ve sown their seeds of faith and they’re too blessed to ever die. Pope Francis unquestionably has the feistiness to advance to the second round, but Creflo Dollar is too blessed to lose.

Sharing Fake News Stories On Facebook vs. Like & Share If You Love Jesus

It’s easy to think this is a battle only being waged by your parents on Facebook, but sadly there are far, far too many people both young and old who suffer from a bad case of confirmation bias and can’t help but like & share because Jesus is watching! No matter who wins this matchup, we all lose.

Mark Driscoll vs. His Past

Oh, Mark Driscoll. Just when you thought he was gone, he’s back being a nobody telling everybody about a somebody harder than ever. Well, actually, it’s hard to say “than ever” since Driscoll seems to be in complete denial about his past and you can’t really compare his present to his past when that past is being swept under the rug. But Driscoll seems to have forgotten we live in the Internet age and what finds its way to the Internet never ever goes away. Look for His Past to pull an upset in this round, by which a mean His Past catching up to him will only be a surprise to Mark Driscoll.

Andy Stanley vs. Small Churches

If you were casting the role of a non-threatening everyman pastor everybody loves, Andy Stanley would probably get the part. Which is what makes his recent trashing of small churches so surprising. What Stanley forgot is that most Christians in America (and the rest of the world for that matter) attend small churches. They may have tried to show some grace in their real life response to Stanley’s response, but this ain’t real life. This is a time of Madness. Expect the gloves to come off and the pitch forks to get picked up. Stanley better be ready if he wants to survive and make it to the second round of play.

Religious Right vs. Taking Any Responsibility For The Rise Of Donald Trump

The Religious Right is on life support. A once mighty voting bloc is crumbling in the wake of the monster of sanctified hate they helped create. But don’t tell folks like Russell Moore that. Like many of his constituents, he’s convinced himself he can denounce Trump and stop calling himself an evangelical and nobody will notice that dogmatic leaders like him in the Religious Right bear some of the responsibility for the rise of Donald Trump and his embrace by many evangelicals. But there’s nothing more American than refusing to take responsibility for our actions and this is American Jesus Madness. The Religious Right may be breathing its last, but there may just be enough fight left to hang around a little bit longer.

Two Corinthians vs. Biblical Literacy

As part of his Everybody Look I’m A Christian I Promise™ campaign, Donald Trump infamously quoted from his favorite book of the Bible, Two Corinthians. Some folks tried to dismiss the significance by pointing to the fact that many British folks refer to Paul’s letter this way. Liz Lemon is still recovering from the epic eye roll induced by this absurd rationale. But, of course, Trump isn’t the only American “Christian” who struggles with Biblical Literacy. When Trump tried to proof-text his patriotism, he was following in the footsteps of that great American Christian tradition of quote verses without really understanding their meaning or context. Two Corinthians may sound silly, but Trump has an army of biblically illiterate folks behind him that will make it all but impossible for Biblical Literacy to survive.

Red Starbucks Cups vs. Actual Christian Persecution

For years, Christians and non-Cristians alike enjoyed their overpriced Starbucks coffee without giving it much thought…until faux-outrage aficionado Joshua Feuerstein took to Facebook to manufacture more Facebook likes, I mean, take a stand for Jesus! Sure, countless Christians (and other religious minorities) are being killed and oppressed by ISIS every day, but that’s nothing compared to the horror of not being told “Merry Christmas” when you buy a cup of coffee. Actual Christian Persecution may be unspeakably terrible, but American Christians have made it clear that it is nothing compared to the manufactured persecution of icon free coffee cups. Red Starbucks Cups all the way.

Franklin Graham vs. Resisting The Urge To Say Something Terrible On The Internet

We’ve all struggled with Resisting The Urge To Say Something Terrible On The Internet. Well, all of us, except Franklin Graham that is. Graham has never thought a terrible thought he didn’t immediately post to Facebook. It’s almost as if he’s gunning for a position in the Trump administration. While all good and decent human beings pray a Trump administration will never happen, what we can be sure of his Franklin Graham’s ability to overcome Resisting The Urge To Say Something Terrible On The Internet. He’s undefeated against his virtuous foe. Given his “boldness” and passion for “speaking the truth,” there’s no reason to except an upset now or anytime soon.

Well, that’s it for my breakdown, but a few more folks have breakdowns of their own and I highly encourage you to read them because as Donald Trump would say, they’re fantastic. They really are.

Matt Gorkos’ Bracket Breakdown

David Aukerman’s Bracket Breakdown

Tom Bruner’s Bracket Breakdown

If you’ve got your own breakdown, send me the link and I’ll add to the list!