Apparently The Prosperity Gospel Now Comes With A Money Back Guarantee

(Screengrab: Centerpoint Church)

The Church has an awkward relationship with money.

Ever since Jesus declared “You cannot serve God and money,” and called on his prospective followers to “Sell everything you have and give it to the poor,” we’ve struggled to reconcile our love for financial security with the life of Jesus we claim to emulate.

At its best, the Church has used the financial resources at her disposal to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and care for the sick.

At its worst, the Church offered salvation for the price of an indulgence.

You remember indulgences, right? Those little pieces of paper that ensured salvation for the purchaser or whoever they bequeathed their commodified grace to. Martin Luther, of course, wasn’t a big fan of indulgences and his revolt against the sale of salvation led to the Protestant Reformation.

Although they’re not selling salvation, per se, I think you could argue that the folks who peddle the prosperity gospel are the spiritual heirs of Luther’s indulgence selling foes. Instead of spiritual bliss, they offer financial salvation. As Johann Tetzel might say if he had a show on TBN, “As soon as the coin in the coffer rings, a blessing from God springs!”

Probably.

Maybe.

But just to be sure, you should definitely sow another seed of faith.

The obvious theological problem with the prosperity gospel is that it is fundamentally antithetical to the actual gospel. The actual gospel demands we take up our cross, die to self, and live to serve others. It’s a sacrificial way of life focused not on gaining rewards, but on emptying oneself in service to God and neighbor. The prosperity gospel, on the other hand, is utterly self-centered, views God as a divine ATM to be manipulated at will, and calls its adherents to serve others only in order that they may receive some sort of (almost always financial) blessing.

Apart from the whole being a false gospel thing, the prosperity gospel has another, much more pragmatic problem.

Despite what they may tell you on TV, the folks who peddle the prosperity gospel can’t actually guarantee the blessings they, uh, I mean “God,” promise.

Of course, some folks will sadly fall for the scam and keep sowing their seed of faith anyway convinced just one more offering will release the heavenly blessings. But many, many more people simply stop sowing once they realize they’re giving up everything without getting back anything.

Enter the 90 Day Tithe Challenge.

According to pastors like Perry Noble who are offering this can’t miss deal of a lifetime, “…if you tithe for three months and God doesn’t hold true to His promises of blessings (Malachi 3:10), we will refund 100 percent of your tithe. No questions asked.”

I mean, with a money back guarantee like that, how can you not sow your seed of faith?? Especially to a church just scraping by with a paltry $59 million budget. (Though, if you’d like to sow your seed elsewhere, apparently you have lots of options. Seems this thing has been around for a while and has been implemented all over the place. Soooo…maybe coming soon to a church near you?)

Anyway, does all sound too good to be true?

Oh ye of little faith.

Check out this guilt trip informational video and learn why this is totally not a scam (their word) and you should repent for even thinking that.