A Brief History Of The World According To Ben Carson

By now you’ve surely heard Ben Carson’s claim that the pyramids were built by the biblical character Joseph in order to store grain, a belief he’s since double-downed on despite the fact the actual builders of the pyramids recorded exactly why they built them.

Given Dr. Carson’s incredible confidence in such an audacious claim, I can’t help but think his view of the rest of world history is a bit, um, unorthodox. Unfortunately, Ben is in the middle of a presidential campaign right now and doesn’t have time to give any more history lessons.

But obviously we’re all dying to hear the rest of Professor Ben’s version of history.

So, to help Dr. Carson out and allow him to concentrate on his campaign, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together what I can only assume are his accounts of the true biblical origins of several world famous sites.

For example, many folks are under the delusion that Stonehenge was constructed by ancient people for some mysterious purpose. But there’s no mystery to Stonehenge. It’s nothing more than an ancient game of dominoes left behind by the biblical Nephilim who forgot to clean up their mess when they got distracted making babies with the daughters of men.

Rome’s famous Colosseum is well known for it’s gladiatorial battles, which makes perfect sense as it was originally constructed by the nation of Israel to host the epic bout between David and Goliath.

If he hasn’t been there already, I’m sure Machu Picchu has to be on Dr. Carson’s bucket list. After all, how could pass up the opportunity to see the city built by Noah when the ark came to rest on top of the mountain and they got stuck there?

The Great Wall of China is an imposing structure and it should be. Joshua learned his lesson after blowing down the walls of Jericho with a few trumpets. He knew if he was going to build a wall big enough and strong enough to protect Israel from its enemies it would have to be able to seen from space and last long after he was gone. And that’s exactly what he built.

Chances are you’ve heard the myth that the Leaning Tower of Pisa got its famous lean because of foundational issues. That’s simply not true. The Tower in Pisa leans because it was knocked sideways by the Great Flood that left Noah high and dry atop Machu Picchu.

Last but not least we turn to the only history that really matters: American history. We all know the iconic Washington Monument in Washington, D.C., but did you know that it was actually the first church steeple in the United States. In their never-ending war against Christianity, liberals tore it down and erected a statue to their false god.

God bless Ben Carson for having the courage to stand up for the truth in the face of an overwhelming amount of facts.