A few days ago, I felt a minor heartbreak when someone I’ve been interested in was a little harsh toward me, or so I thought at the moment. I’ve been so hurt in the past that I was really looking forward to this person having the same interest in me. However, what I thought was a form of contempt made me realize I didn’t want this person to have that kind of power over me so easily. I immediately thought of Al-‘Uzza, the pre-Islamic goddess of War, Protection, and Healing, and asked for her help. And man, did I receive it.
I’ve been interested in this guy for a few months already. Physically, it’s the kind of body that catches my attention right away, and he’s always kind and polite, although he prefers to keep to himself most of the time, so it’s one who has to take the initiative 99% of the time. I didn’t mind that much, I would talk to him now and then, but not always. I got a response now and then, tried to speak with him sometimes, and everything was okay.
However, when I tried to be friendly and offered some help when I saw him doing something, he just told me not to worry and thanked me. I didn’t give it much thought, but then someone else came where I was and did the same thing as him, finishing it, while this guy stayed away from me. Ouch. My first thought was that he wanted me to stay away from me and didn’t want to have anything to do with me.
That started a downward spiral that reminded me of all the heartbreaks I had in the past and how I always ended being hurt for being too trusting, for always being the one that likes or falls in love first. As I told one of my friends, I had been listening to a pop song for a long time, daydreaming with this guy, and when that happened, I started humming that same song, but my mind switched to something entirely different.
As I was insulting myself for letting myself get carried away, for dreaming too much, I realized I have the right to dream as much as I want, and that no one can take that away from me, no matter what. I immediately asked Al-‘Uzza for help, thinking of her at that precise moment. What happened after that was more incredible than what I’ve experienced before.
While I was still doing my things, I got words in my head, words in Arabic, like when you get a message during a meditation, deeply relaxed, but I was completely aware, my body moving. Something like that never happened to me, except for when I’m doing a tarot reading, which is also a ritual for me. I recognized the tone, the sweetness in her voice, although there wasn’t a voice in the strict sense, and she told me that if I had waited for someone for so long to have a relationship with, couldn’t I wait for a little more?
Being the child I am sometimes, I thought “I’m tired of waiting, I don’t want to do it any longer”, and she insisted. “Can’t you wait just a bit more?” I could imagine a bright smile in my mind, golden light coming down on me, covering me as a veil, my hair stood, I took a deep breath, wanted to cry, and thought “I guess I can, yes, I can”. Then I got a beautiful image in my mind: A blood-red rose open wide, bathed in golden liquid-light, like shining honey.
I swallowed my tears, kept my emotions under control, and told myself that I could, and if that guy doesn’t want me to be around him, then so be it. I spent the rest of the day not paying him any attention, but I would see him everywhere I went. Two days after that, I was talking with a friend, telling her everything happened, except for the visions and message, and she told me “No way, he wasn’t rude to you, maybe he just got busy by then and had someone else finish what he was doing.” “What a coincidence,” I replied, and she smiled, telling me “yes, son, coincidences exist”.
She made me remember that phrase I read somewhere some time ago that said not everything is a sign, not every minimal thing is a message. If I’m not mistaken, it said that “sometimes, a bird is just a bird”. And I thought, Well, maybe, maybe. I decided to be friendly again, perhaps I was overreacting, as she told me, and he was just like always, kind and polite. I’ve been thinking about that rose all these days before sharing this piece of my life with you.
Far from thinking that he is my soulmate, that we’re destined to be together forevermore, I think it was Al-‘Uzza’s way of telling me not to get any bitter toward love. It’s been a bittersweet relationship with this feeling, so I’m sure it was her way of showing me that it doesn’t have to be like that anymore. Maybe something will happen between us, maybe not, but at least I know that my healing goddess is there for me, that I have some form of divine support, and can count on her whenever I need her. We all know the gods are there for us, but do we have it present at all times? I know I don’t, which is something I’m changing.
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