Look Out, It’s Aries Season!

Monday is the first day of Spring in the Northern Hemisphere, the first day of autumn in the Southern Hemisphere, and around the Equator it’s called “March 20th.” To astrologers, Monday is the day when the Sun enters Aries. Odds are good that you yourself aren’t an Aries, but odds are good you know and love one, work with one, or had one cut you off in traffic.

It isn’t your job to restrain an Aries — that’s what cops are for. It’s your job to understand (and ultimately, empathize with) these majestic creatures before one of them tramples you. Okay, that could happen anyway, but at least if you understand Aries you’ll be more sympathetic. After all, life isn’t easy for Aries — what with having to live in a world where people are always saying things like “slow down” and “calm down” and “ouch that was my foot.”

The problem with Aries is not, as you may have heard, that they are impatient. The actual problem is that you and everyone else around them is too damned slow, inefficient, and unfocused. Here are some simple exercises you can do to help you better understand The Aries Experience.

• Watch a movie you’ve seen before (and found boring), except this time watch it at half the usual playback speed. Alternately, hit the pause button at random and force yourself to wait 45 seconds.
• Go work out with some weights. Carry them around in a backpack for the rest of the day.
• Watch a pot of water boil. Every time you see steam start to form, turn the temperature down a little.
• Eat a plate of spaghetti… with a straw.

Keep doing these things until your frustration with the unnecessary stupidity of living with so many impediments (when all you wanted was to order lunch, dammit!) that you find yourself yelling at yourself and everyone else. Congratulations! Now you understand Aries! Now please — calm down and stop yelling at everyone. The rest of us are moving as fast as we can.

Now, please rise for the Aries Anthem…