Crashing, and hard

I have had a long summer and I’m feeling frayed.  I’m back from my last trip and while it was good, I’ve got the shakes and I’m extra super double plus sensitive. I’m coming down from constantly being on the go or being in between trips, holding space for many others, and keeping it together for just one more day/week/trip. I’m on the verge of a melt down, I think. It’s been a long time coming. I feel physically exhausted and bloated and sore. I’m mentally overwhelmed with the long list of things that Need Attending, things I’ve had to put off for 6 weeks. Emotionally, I’m frayed and fearful – I also have Things that Need Attending emotionally. I feel exposed and vulnerable – mostly because I don’t have my reserves. Which leads me to spiritually: I feel empty. I haven’t had a lot of space, within or without, for practice. Lately when I try to meditate I start nodding off to sleep and then jerking upright because I’m about to tilt over.

I wish I had something Certain and Sure to fall back on. I want that certainty that fundamentalists have. I want to feel filled up inside. I wish I had a single concrete practice or tradition to fall back on. Even though I feel stronger in my beliefs, hopes, practices than ever after this past year. Diving in and practicing, really trying things on with deepest sincerity and effort, has been incredibly informative and empowering, but it’s hard. When I’m tired like this I just want to be told what to do. I want to know that if I pray These Words, light This Incense, cast This Spell, or whatever, that I’ll feel amazing and connected, and powerful once again.

But I know that after being so taxed on all levels, in all my parts, that I have to abandon all my efforts. That’s right: abandon. I have to rest. I have to pare down It’s more than getting ‘back to basics.’ Maybe today I sit for 5 minutes and take a bath. Tomorrow I sit for 6 minutes and offer incense and say a short prayer. Pick one or two simple things. Just as I pick one task off the List of Things That Need Attending to do every day. Eventually my equilibrium will come back. one day, maybe next week, or in two or three weeks, I’ll realize that I’ve sat for 20 minutes and done my full routine without realizing it. Eventually I’ll feel Inspired and do some ritual and will feel connected. Maybe it’ll happen while I’m cooking or putting one of my kids to sleep or while walking down the street, but it will happen. Right now I feel like all of that is ages away. I feel dried out, spent, and my belly hurts.

One act at a time, coupled with exquisite self-care (more sleep, less caffeine, light eating, lots of deep breathing, more exercise, etc.) is my plan.

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