On Turning 40

Tomorrow I turn 40.

I know, women are not supposed to speak their age. Keep the mystery alive or some such nonsense. Whatever. I’m proud to be the age I am. Normally, birthdays aren’t a big deal for me, but this year? This year feels like a milestone.

Ten years ago, right around my 30th birthday, I graduated from the Graduate Theological Union with my master’s degree in religious studies. This year I’m watching my 1 year old scoot around the weed-ridden yard chasing after her older siblings while I write for a major blogging platform. Life is sweet and amazing and rather surprising.

In my 30s I moved from Berkeley to Oakland to Wales to Olympia. I worked and learned from an amazing Jewish education non-profit. I started an arts salon and met some of the most creative people I’ve ever met. I began studying Feri witchcraft with T Thorn Coyle, thinking “this is great, but it’s not for me.” Ha! I married a complicated, complex, amazing, and inspiring man – seriously, if you’ve met Adam, you know I won the lottery in this partner, husband, father, and friend. I was accepted into and started my one and only choice for a PhD program. I quit said program. I’ve grown, birthed, and sustained three children. I embraced the Craft and the longings of my heart. I began blogging and thus started a writing career, spanning several sites and topics. I bought a house. I have learned so much about myself.

I have become the woman I have always wanted to be.

It feels damn good to hit 40 and feel like I am on the right track. Everything I am doing now is exactly what I want to be doing with my life (okay, maybe not diaper laundry).

Getting here has not been without some heart ache. I have lost all of my closest female relationships, even though they needed to end. I’ve let some people down, people whose opinions I care about. I’ve really, really hurt Adam. I didn’t end up moving back to my hometown. Becoming a parent has been more heartbreaking than I could have ever realized.

I look forward to my next decade for several reasons:

1. I know more what I am about. I know what’s important to me. I am willing to make sacrifices for those things.

2. I am done having children. My body, my hormones, my brain, and life can settle into the “new normal.” Also, the kids will get older and start sleeping through the night, and I might start having more sex again. (Parents of young children, you know what I’m talking about, yes?)

3. I hope to get certified as a yoga teacher. Whether or not I actually teach, this is something I want to do for my own yoga practice and understanding of the tradition.

4. I hope to get initiated, in both my chosen practices.

5. I want to publish at least one book. I have two books in me right now.

6. Currently, I have no tattoos. I have plans for one, possibly two tattoos.

7. I am excited to see how my ideas, values, practices, and relationships develop over the next ten years. At 30 I never would have thought I would be contributing to an anarchist Pagan site, studying witchcraft and Tantra, surrounded by such…. colorful… and wonderful people as I am.

Thanks for being part of my journey!