More News From the Fast Food Front

So in case you missed it, I work in a violently religious fast food setting. To keep you updated, and happy, I bring to you the following absolutely real excerpts. You saw them here first, bad Catholics.

My Korean friend: (behind me, making food) “So what about babies that die before being baptized, do they go to hell?”
Me: (washing dishes) “No, because they are innocent and God is merciful.”
Her: “I agree.”
Me: “Same with adults.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “You know, if an adult is innocent and has never been baptized, God is merciful.”
Her: “No, no, no, they all go to hell.”
Me: “So are the babies just too cute for hell?”
Her: “No, the Bible says “no one comes to the Father except through me!”
Me: “Through him, Exactly. It does not say through personal knowledge of Him.”
Her: “You are attacking my relationship with God.”
Me: (stopping washing dishes and trying to catch up) Er, am I?
Her: Yes, God told me that those who don’t know Him go to hell.
Me: That’s awkward, because God told me the exact opposite.
(silence except for the loud and angry creation of coleslaw behind me)
Me: You know what’d be great? Some kind of authority that we could be absolutely sure was guided by the Holy Spirit to make decisive answers on this sort of stuff.
Her: (does not take the bait).

Following this escapade, Billy approaches me, full of concern.

Billy: Marc, I heard you don’t think all Buddhists are going to hell. That isn’t true is it?
Me: Uh, no, that sounds about right.
Billy: (absolutely stunned. I cannot tell you how funny his face was wearing the drive-thru headset.) Wait.
Me: Yes?
Billy: You’re not Buddhist, are you?
Me: Yeah Billy, I’m Buddhist. You got me.
Billy: (more shocked, called away to take an order)

I don’t know whether Billy still thinks I’m Buddhist, but he is in the habit of singing “How Great Is Our God” rather pointedly whenever he passes me.

Also, a few one/two-liners that I remember:

“Oh my dad makes me go to the Christmas mass once a year, I hate it.”
Me: “You probably don’t want to go to heaven then…”

“What are you guys doing?”
“Having sex.”
“What…Catholic sex?”
“If by which you mean the best kind, then yes.”

Peace out! Be happy, be fulfilled, love each other, fight heresy, extol orthodoxy, and maybe tell a friend about a Catholic blog that you perhaps enjoy.

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