My topic today rests on the rather alarming fact that certain people are quite stupid. (Not that there is no hope for redemption; I pray often for the destupidification of all mankind) But in a better way, it rests on the irony that the proponents of population control seem to be the least likely to volunteer and die for the good of mankind. This is a thing to be lamented, not because their deaths would – in any great way – affect global populations, but because the death of all the proponents of population control would have a wonderfully lasting and positive effect on the population control movement. They would leave us like a bright and educated flash of concern, and humanity would be left to breathe easy, not having to justify their own existence to indignant, old women. But it is not to be; these fascinating people seem intent on the demise of everyone else’s potential family; heaven forbid they take part in easing the burden they invented in the seventies themselves.
The key then, for those opposed to population control, is to procreate like mad-men. Or very, very sane men, for that matter. Go have sex (after marriage, calm down you in the back). For if the supporter’s of the Great Population Reduction Movement will not follow their own precepts and die, their self-sterilization will do the trick in a generation or two. They will have no darling, indoctrinated offspring to argue their case. Darwinism favors the morons who don’t like Darwin, it would appear. So to the culture that seems miserably bent on making sex an awful experience (Right gentlemen, we’ll have her drugged against children and excitement, throw some rubber between them, tell them the whole thing is a biological act, like vomiting, kill anything good that comes out of the affair, and voila, shout “freedom” like you’re William Wallace!) I repeat, go have some fantastic sex.
After all, there aren’t going to be any converts to The Movement what with current demographic trends. One can only speculate where our impressionable brothers and sisters pick up the idea of curtailing the human race in the first place. A severe case of claustrophobia? A lack of a passport to travel to Europe and count the natives there? A bitter grumpiness from the public animosity towards the eugenics movement? Or perhaps a faint disdain for the “colored” races, whom they have seemed the most eager to sterilize. Whatever the reason, it’s nothing reasonable. Recent population increase has not been caused by higher fertility rates – which have plummeted – but by greater life expectancy,which has sky-rocketed over the last 100 years. Thank you, modern medicine.
It only follows then, that, if the population-controllers truly wish to achieve their goals, they’d find better luck, not in lowering fertility rates, but the life expectancy. Make the world more dangerous. End freeways suddenly, with large ramps. Dig tiger-traps in front of nursing homes. Set various opposing ethnic and cultural groups in apartment complexes with each other, Israelis and Pakistanis, Irish Catholics and Protestants, Northern homosexuals and Southern Baptists; then ban air-conditioning. Arm students, disarm the police, replace stairs with slides, breathing with smoking, church with gladiator matches, democracy with the feudal system, and then we may see some progress in population size, or – more accurately – a lack of progress. It seems much more efficient and exciting than living life without the ability to have a child.
Luckily for the majority of the planet, the wealthy bunch of population-controllers will have died out long before they have an idea as fresh and invigorating as mine. Isn’t it fantastic to have a Church that doesn’t buy into modern, fashionable baloney?