My Sex Education

…was taught by Planned Parenthood. Which is funny, because they’re stupid.

In walks the lady with her box of condoms, handing out surveys. I forget the exact questions, except that they all had yes or no answers, and – sadly – no answer entitled, “what the hell is wrong with you, that’s the dumbest thing anyone’s ever asked me in my life.” So I was forced to write it in. Wait, one question I do remember: “Do you think birth control education will reduce abortions?”

O.K. Clearly these surveys don’t have any bearing on Planned Parenthood, they were just designed to get us to think. Or laugh. So this question was created for the sole purpose of us saying, “Ah! That’s why a crusty old nurse is here talking about “maximizing sexual experience.” She’s here to help reduce abortions!” Not to create a climate of promiscuity that results in the big business she works for profiting from unwanted pregnancies. Nah. They’re the good guys. Right?

 This is funny because – in
somewhat of a developing theme – they
are stupid. 

Wrong. Luckily I could fill in the ‘no’ box for that question quite confidently. The old women then proceeded to inform the class of boys that their penis sizes were normal, which is a fantastic way of making everyone feel abnormal, and me to question what exactly the size of her salary was, and whether that was normal, to be paid to tell 15 year olds that you are totally fine with their penises. She then proceeded to the good ol’, look! condoms-fit-over-my-arm-without-breaking routine, which – in her and her institution’s defense – looked like the best part of her day. It was awkward – then – when the condom broke with a snap over her hand. She turned red and muttered something about it being past the condom’s expiration date, which was REALLY AWKWARD because she had priorly said that the condom was new. She threw it out and didn’t try another one. Several bros in the back sobered. So that was nice.

Now I knew that Planned Parenthood’s condoms were ranked as some of the least effective ever made, because hey, something’s gotta keep the customers coming back, but this was funny because…well because they’re stupid guys, I can’t help that. So there I was, being told that masturbation was healthy, that pornography helps marriages, reading over a list of the uncountable amount strings and bags and walls and chemicals and metals and hoops that women were morally and civilly responsible for maintaining for the sake of the well-being of their boyfriends, when it was mentioned, with all the weight of authority, that most NFP methods had a 60-70% success rate. I pointed out, with all the weight of a teenager, that that percentage was pretty much the success rate for having sex whenever you wanted. To which I was given the “exaaactly” look, which further convinced me that, you guessed it, they’re stupid.

The whole affair – which if it weren’t so late I might give more examples from – was hilarious. I’m just not a guy that goes into righteous indignation shocks. Which I’m thankful for, because subverting the dominant paradigm, to borrow a phrase from Shea, requires a certain ease – no one listens the kid foaming at the mouth and quoting the Bible. Rather, the whole situation gave me great hope. Surely, surely, surely others would see how completely dumb the culture of death is. Surely they’d notice that all the videos and educational presentations we watched were from the seventies and early eighties, fuzzy and out of place on the school’s smartboards, full of big sweaters and stupidity. Surely they’d realize that, if this is how Planned Parenthood wins, defeat is far sweeter.

And not stupid.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01658116461483425280 Brandon Vogt

    This. Is. Awesome. Oh that you would have said, "Do you work for that same organization that encourages abortions for underage prostitutes?What was the general attitude in your class toward PP? Acceptance? Disgust?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14343608055572066429 Clamburger

    The thing about the condom breaking over the presenter's arm has happened before. …They're still pulling the same [old tricks], apparently. But the lying doesn't stop with condoms. The word "clinic" is, probably as often as not, less accurate than the title "house of horrors" that Pro-Lifers apply to it. In a way, I love reading news stories of police raiding abortion "clinics" to find fetuses and corpses of post-partum babies everywhere as well as unsanitary conditions. I know that not ALL of the clinics are like that, but it does seem to indicate that once abortionists' ethics sink so low that they do what they do, it often (but not always) goes downhill from there. Abortionist profiteers thrive in such low establishments by exploiting women who feel that they have no other option but to have the doubly-dirty deed done in those glorified septic tanks.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17624589296171657699 egosumbarb

    We had gym teachers teach us sex ed…I don't think anyone really took that class seriously. One of the most vivid memories I have is of one of the teachers taking this HUGE diaphragm out of a box-o-contraceptives and pretending it was a frisbee….For what it's worth, they did do a good job of explaining how abstinence is the only thing that works 100% of the time.

    • http://twitter.com/EyeEdinburgh EdinburghEye

      Actually abstinence has the highest failure rate of any “contraceptive” method. Because if you’re going along merrily planning to prevent unwanted conceptions by “just not having sex”, well, most teenagers who think that end up having sex earlier and less safely than teenagers who were taught, much more sensibly: Having sex is normal and natural: do it when you and your partner mutually want to give each other that pleasure: and guys – wear a condom each time every time, girls – go on the Pill or use a reliable barrier method. That’s how you successfully prevent abortions, as have been proved consistently. Reading this makes me understand and sympathise with “Bad Catholic” a lot more – he and his classmates really deserved better from that school, even though he’s clearly the kind of jerk you just don’t want to be sitting next to.

      • Laura

        “Actually abstinence has the highest failure rate of any “contraceptive” method” Ummm no, how do you even come up with stuff like this? Abstinence is 100% reliable because, well your not having sex. If you do start having sex you can’t blame abstinence since, you are having sex, therefore, not being abstinent.

    • http://twitter.com/EyeEdinburgh EdinburghEye

      Actually abstinence has the highest failure rate of any “contraceptive” method. Because if you’re going along merrily planning to prevent unwanted conceptions by “just not having sex”, well, most teenagers who think that end up having sex earlier and less safely than teenagers who were taught, much more sensibly: Having sex is normal and natural: do it when you and your partner mutually want to give each other that pleasure: and guys – wear a condom each time every time, girls – go on the Pill or use a reliable barrier method. That’s how you successfully prevent abortions, as have been proved consistently. Reading this makes me understand and sympathise with “Bad Catholic” a lot more – he and his classmates really deserved better from that school, even though he’s clearly the kind of jerk you just don’t want to be sitting next to.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12679230722483582032 Marc

    @ Brandonthe general attitude was, as egosumbarb says, one of not taking anything seriously. Not really different from any of my other classes then…

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10740611327082314715 Sean

    LOL. This is why I love this blog.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12642145795954068330 Larissa L.

    My school showed us a very, very (did I mention very?) graphic birth video. And STD posters with horrible pictures of sick *ahem* private parts. After the class, all the girls with boyfriends were screaming "Don't touch me! Don't even stand near me!" I guess my school was pro-abstinence.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12679230722483582032 Marc

    aaahh but abstinence sucks compared to chastity. Don't NOT have sex, get ready to have it, you know?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12642145795954068330 Larissa L.

    I do, but it was a secular school. It was probably the best they could do.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12679230722483582032 Marc

    true dat

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05456024991749243548 RayHeyob

    Love these posts – wish I read them more often. Though, a spectacular reason that I saw it—-My teenage son posted it to Facebook. Thanks for providing the content to allow him to effectively witness to others. Your "badassedness" is spreading.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17814899666244618561 Brent Stubbs

    As always, I'm late to the game but wanted to give my 1.5 cents on this most spectacular piece of expose. I got my dose of sex-ed in the early 90's right after we all figured out that acting like rabid animals=STD's. Apparently I'm learning that we devolved from the banana prop to a live arm, which to be fair is just a real stupid move to prove that the condom won't break. ("Next we'll show you how this trash bag fits over my car").I, too, have appreciate the CC's understanding of chastity versus mere abstinence–which is a part of chastity. Abstinence without chastity generally ends in a "out of the closet" or "out of the pants" college experience where Charity Church Mouse of Straight-Edge Sam goes all sex-o-ballistic and stuff which always corresponds with some type of pathetic wandering after the mirage of agnosticism.I'm with you on the no righteous indignation thing, though I will tell you that once you have children, and they are trying to defile their innocence left-and-left, you gain a few ounces of indignation you never had.

  • http://patronsaintofpoopydiapers.wordpress.com/ patronsaintofpoopydiapers

    I love this. Great. Awesome.


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