The Crookedhart Emails – Introduction

Dear Rothoof,

May I begin by saying you’re a damned fool? (The ‘damned’, of course, was my attempt at humor, for – as we all know – Our Kingdom Below is the only place where intelligence and sanity still reign, and really, it’s the Place We Left that holds the damned, under the iron rule of Our Stupid Enemy.)

But you truly are a fool. Your man has become a Catholic, primarily as a result of your lazy negligence. I specifically told you to be wary of the influence of his grandmother; or do you not remember? Yes, he scoffed at her simple-minded faith, her piety that verged on superstition, her old European ‘culture’, but I told you, and here I quote my last letter just to prove the point, that “There are two ways a human being might be an instrument of conversion. The first is by example and outward direction. Human beings, being idiots, naturally imitate whatever wows them at any given moment, and thus a strong Catholic in the public sphere, or within a circle of friends, might pull a man from your grip. Luckily for us, human beings cannot stay consistent to save their lives, and this type of conversion can often be undone within a year, or – in a particularly clever method known as the Politician Flip – by revealing a flaw in the hero that lead to his conversion. Show some scandal, some sin, some hypocrisy in the strong Catholic, and those who considered the faith because of him will be thrown into doubt, confusion, and all sorts of delicious emotions. No, what we should fear, and really fight to the tooth, is the second way a human being might lead to the conversion of another; Prayer.”

Do you not understand? You took such gloating comfort in that your man saw his grandmother as old-fashioned and humorously pious, but what does that matter if she is praying Rosaries – those disgusting whines – on her feeble knees, every night for seven years? One of the reasons we left the Place We Left is the Enemy’s incomprehensible decision to use human beings – miserable, unintelligent, lowly creatures      – as his method of making his Will done in the world, through their prayer. This is something of a secret we like to hide from the humans, for if they realized the weapon they had in prayer…I shudder to think. Luckily, they are utter idiots, and most hardly pray at all! But Rothoof, could you be so blind? Prayer is the making of Our Enemy’s Will done in the world, and you seemed to think her prayers would have no effect on your man! And now he is a Catholic, of the Roman variety, and you have no one to blame but yourself.

But perhaps I am too hard on you. While it’s true, you’ve let him fall from an absolutely gorgeous position of agnosticism into what I like to call The Lap of the Whore of Babylon, this is not to say your situation is hopeless. Rather, I begin writing to you so as to inform you that, currently, you’ve just as good a chance of destroying your man as you did before he was Catholic. All it takes is a little cleverness, which I happen to have in infinite supply. So, while I am aware the wireless connection is somewhat shaky here,  I ask you to remain in communication with me, so that we might have one more fool to torment when your job is done.


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