The Crookedhart Emails – Re: Catholics Cheat!

Dear Rothoof,

The first thing I would like to strike from your mind is the idea that, since your man is Catholic, you have to change your game. While it’s true, Catholics have infuriating quirks and delicious weaknesses that must be taken into account, the basics stay the same, the Infernal Catechism still applies: Make him sin.

I took the liberty of checking your man’s file, and I see that upon becoming Catholic, he has made some renewal, some promise to put a stop to the sexual sins that have so wonderfully made him miserable throughout his agnostic career. Excellent. There’s nothing like a failed renewal to make a man doubt his new religion. See, there’s a ‘high’ of conversion: These disgusting creatures actually get excited by Truth – for what I don’t know, Falsehood being so much more sensible – and thus spend the first few months of Catholicism infuriatingly happy. Now this happiness (could I convey a retch at the very word in text? Bleaaauuuughhch) would be too disgusting to deal with if it were not so easily manipulated. If you can press him hard when he feels best, right now, in the midst of his happiness, and his wondering at the False Glories of Catholicism, then you run the excellent chance of making him feel unworthy of his new religion. That he, alone in his Church, is a disgusting man, and would do better to leave. But even if he is too convicted of Catholicism to leave – is he Rothoof? I have little idea of how seriously he takes his conversion – this feeling of worthlessness can still be effective, by becoming our favorite sin in an instant: Pride. Let him sit in the pew thinking only of his faults and failings, let him feel sorry for himself, let him look at the Priest and think, “If you knew my evil, you’d cast me out,” let him cringe at conversations with old, sickeningly holy women, let him think “mea culpa, me, me, me, me, mea culpa” until he dies. Heehee. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. Just continue to make him sin, now more than ever. Might I suggest increased temptation from his favorite pornography sites?

But listen. There is an important difference we must take into account when attempting to seduce Catholics into ripping out their souls and trampling on them.  Catholics cheat. We managed to trick old Luther into playing fair, into beginning the end of Sacraments and sacramentals. It really was brilliant, because it has lead to millions playing our difficult game, to ‘go out in the dark’ with their Bibles, there own personal faith, and their own emotions. Granted, Our Enemy has been insufferably patient with them, and made a buffoon of himself by meeting them, and meeting them intimately, in their grating music and constant reading of that stupid, stupid, completely retarded and sickeningly foul human being C.S Lewis. I curse his name! Can you believe he had the gall, the absolute swaggering confidence to write a book mocking the correspondence of us Enlightened Demons, to instruct other humans on how to fool us? But never mind that. Catholics are given all sorts of footholds, railings, crutches and boosts to avoid us. They are called the Seven Cheats. Now, we’ll go into a few of them in detail, but it’s enough for now to know that you must avoid letting your man use these at all! Ever!

So. I would advise that you downplay the importance of Catholicism. Let him think of it as another denomination of Christianity, not as the surest way to avoid us, and certainly not as the One True Church. Let him think of the Seven Cheats as culturally unique to Catholicism, as altar calls are to Baptists, but never, never for an instant let him believe that they are universally true, that is to say, real. Luckily for you, the nearest parish to him is one called ‘Hope Church: A Catholic Community’ and is virtually indistinguishable – aesthetically – from an evangelical Church, and the priest – quite the personality, the demon assigned to him has had great success so far – is virtually indistinguishable from an Episcopal pop-psychologist. Try to steer him towards that parish, and work hard to get him to ignore the Cheats.


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