The Inherent Awkardness Of Being Pro-Choice

There I was, being normal, testing the murky waters of a potential romance, when a particular girl told me she was a vegetarian.

Me: Bummer.
Her: Do you eat veal?
Me: Uh, well, no, because it’s not often offered to me-
Her: I never eat veal. Do you know what veal is?
Me: Baby cow-
Her: It’s baby cow!
Me: Yes. Yes it is.
Her (tearing up): Do know that they sometimes kill the baby cows within months of them being born, just so they’ll taste nice and tender?
Me (lying): Yeah, it’s terrible. I heard that sometimes, they even kill the baby cow while it’s still in the womb.
Her: No!
Me (still lying): No it’s true.
Her: That’s absolutely sick.
Me: Hey, are you pro-life?
Her: No, of course not. I believe in a woman’s right to choose.
Me: (waiting)
Her: I’m not a big fan of our species anyways.
Me: (waiting)
Her: I have so many pets! I have a parrot, and a cat, and -

I had to explain my own creative verbal manipulation to her, which completely took the joy out of it. And, needless to say, all romantic interest was dragged immediately into the deepest pit of hell, all praise be to Him Who Saves Mightily. But it’s a serious point: If those things that look like babies, act like babies, think like babies and react like babies are, in fact, not babies, then those cows aren’t cows, and she needs to stop whining. Actually, if fetuses truly are not what they – by every standard – appear to be, then why stop at abortion? We could make a sport out of them, for all they’re worth. We could use them in designer make-up. Oh wait.

Am I being vulgar? Yes, but inhuman vulgarity is the natural implication of pro-choice logic.  If that thing growing inside a woman is of the same stuff and worth as the cells inside your mouth, why treat the two differently? If that thing with the arms and the legs and the beating heart and feeling nerves is  ‘only-a-bundle-of-cells’, then why is it treated with such grave respect? Why is abortion a morally significant event? Is going bald, a similar expulsion of cells, morally significant?

You’ll never hear a straight answer, because the abortion movement is caught in an awkward position. A mother doesn’t need to be told that killing her child is morally significant. She knows that innately. She does need to be told that her child isn’t actually a child, in order to justify the act of abortion. So  the Big Business of Abortion has the terribly difficult task of simultaneously affirming that it’s a big deal to kill your child – in order to look in touch with the rest of humanity and less like old, wrinkly monsters doing TV interviews – and, in the same breath, affirm that it’s completely fine to kill your child. Essentially, the rallying cry of the modern abortion movement is: It’s morally significant to commit a morally insignificant act! Quake in fear, all ye pro-life.  

What complete crap. It’s the same lie that’s behind the “safe, legal and rare” rhetoric. Our politicians say they’re trying to reduce abortions. Why? If abortion is fine then provide them at Wal-Mart, next to the optometrists. If not, end it. But surely you realize how cowardly you look trying to appease the world, saying “abortion is a benefit to society, let’s enact laws to protect it, and let’s have much less of it.” You can’t have it both ways. Everyone is laughing at you.

Hate on the pro-life movement all you want, at least we know what we stand for. The pro-choice movement can only stutter awkwardly, like those creepy men you see hitting on pretty girls: “Maybe, uh, we could get coffee some time? Or shots, you know, whatever you’re into. It wouldn’t be a big deal, unless you want it to be a big deal, in which case I’m down. It’s really not a serious thing but, it is, if you know what I’m saying. I’m sorry, am I too close to your ear?”

It’s something of an odd mixture of disgust and relief, just to hear some honesty.

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