We here at Apocalyptic Vacations like to think that Christians, like everyone else, like options, even when it comes to the afterlife. We have noticed that quite a goodly number of you Evangelical Christians have become tired of the regular drumbeat about the coming rapture, and don’t really think a temporary stay in heaven, complete with angel food cake and lots of harp music, will really be all that appealing. We agree!
So, we are happy to tell you that there is now a ‘non-rapture’ option for those so inclined! And it’s an exciting one too. We have discovered that the windy island of Patmos, off the coast of Turkey, provides one with a rapture-free zone. No beaming up can transpire from this hallowed island. We are not entirely sure whether this is due to atmospheric or spiritual conditions or both, but what we know for a surety is that no one will be being beamed up into heaven from that locale. No one.
In one sense, this is not a surprise, since the prophet John of Patmos, in his famous Revelation book makes clear that the phrase ‘I was caught up in the Spirit, and I looked and I saw’ refers not to bodily transportation, but rather transportation in the Spirit, and in the mind’s eye. John wrote all of that book while his feet were planted firmly on the terra firma of Patmos. People who are interested in all things apocalyptic will be able to study such literature to their heart’s content without any worries or tribulations.
Indeed, all vacationers will be isolated from all tribulation activities and we intend to keep everyone blissfully ignorant of what may or may not be going on in Israel and other lands of the Bible, during this period of time. What we know for sure is the island of Patmos will be protected from tribulation so long as there are believers there. We are quite sure that that is what Rev. 12.15ff. is about, the earth coming to the rescue of the people of God who are protected during the tribulation from old Dragon Breath.
Once the tribulation is over, of course, you will be free to return to your own homes, safe and sound. You can safely await the return of Christ and the saints in heaven from that locale, though we have no idea when ‘the day and hour’ of his blessed return will be. It could be many years later of course, or not long at all. Personally, we take seriously the warning in Mk. 13.32 that no one, including Jesus during his earthly ministry, knows the day or hour of the second coming, or the general timing either.
Probably by now, you are wondering about the cost of this vacation? Do not worry. We have wonderful retreat facilities (including one in the cave of revelation where St. John hung out) which you can use free of charge, but you will need to be able to provide for yourselves. By this I mean, you will need to come with funds to purchase your necessities of life from our Manna Grocery store, or our Grace Supplies or other such shops.
You will need to also get yourself to Patmos in good time before the rapture begins of course. But once you are there, you will be safe, and all the necessities of life will be available for purchase. We anticipate that we have facilities and resources enough to provide for exactly 144,000 persons for the period of a time, a time, and a time and a half, which we take to mean three and a half years. We realize that’s a rather extended holiday, but considering the alternative is endless suffering anywhere else on the earth or rapture into the presence of those who keep complaining ‘How Long Oh Lord’, you will be thankful to be on an island.
And yes….. we do provide some entertainment— there is fishing, some old family friendly movies, and we have poetry clubs where we recite metaphysical poetry— particularly ‘No Man is an Island’ and other poems by Herbert, Donne, and Manley-Hopkins to mention a few.
If you are interested in booking now for this vacation, all you need to do is contact our concierge, Billy Bob Proverb at his website—- www.proverbialholidays.com, and fill out the necessary forms. We hope to hear from you soon, because you never know when the beaming up may start happening. Don’t leave your decision up in the air. Time’s a wasting.