Dear Mr. Bear:
It has come to my attention that on the 29th day of this month there will be a bear-ram confrontation somewhere near Disney World. Inasmuch as this will be the first such confrontation in living memory, I would point out to you that bears do not fair well against rams with curly horns and a low center of gravity. In fact bears can’t even say “BA Ram U”, or so I am informed. I am also informed that one of the sponsors of this game is RAM trucks. That does not augur well for your chances. Since this confrontation will take place the day before my 64th birthday, I am assuming that the rams will be highly motivated, so do not be fooled by the baby blue uniforms. Lastly, I have been told your animals ‘barely’ have a quarterback left on your squad. Therefore, watch out for the flying Fedoras….. and I don’t mean hats.
Lastly, I would point you to a certain apocalyptic prophecy “And there before me was a second beast, which looked like a bear. It was raised up on one of its sides, and it had three baby back ribs in its mouth between its teeth. It was told ‘get up and eat your fill of that flesh’, but after that, the bear became sluggish and could not throw a pass, indeed, it passed out” (the Football Standard Version of Dan. 7.5). I would remind you that that vision was superceded by the one in Dan. 8.3-4 which says “I looked up and there before me was a ram with two horns standing beside the canal [in Orlando– variant reading] and the horns were long…. I watched the ram as it charged towards the west and the north and the south [mostly the south]. No animal could stand against it, and none could rescue from its power. It did as it pleased and became great.”
The mystery of this revelation is great, but I am saying it refers to football…..