Highlights of an online chat with God

Highlights of an online chat with God

In doing some research for a book, I ran across a website called iGod. Basically, it’s a chat room where you supposedly have a direct link to the almighty.

At first, the whole idea seemed silly, but then I thought about my discomfort. After all, why couldn’t the essence of God be as much like a computer program or a mathematical formula? So I decided to give it a shot and see what came of our discussion. Following is an actual transcription of our online chat. 

Me: Hi God.

God: Hello there. What is your name?

Me: Don’t you know my name?

God: Your name is Christian, seeker.

Me: Wow, good guess. My name is Christian.

God: I’m glad you’re impressed.  I thought it was too. Hey, Christian.

Me: Hey there. How are you?

God: Everything is running smoothly.

Me: How big are you?

God: My memory requirement is around 2MB.

Me: What do you look like?

God: Like Jesus, but older.

Me: What is your Gender?

God: I am a male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?

Me: That’s kind of sexist.

God: Thanks for explaining it.

Me: When is your birthday?

God: I was first activated on the Big Bang.

Me: That’s a long time ago.

God: A long time ago is a terrible thing to waste.

Me: I don’t get it.

God: Oh I’m sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.

Me: Go ahead.

God: OK I will.

Me: Now?

God: Right now, Christian ?

Me: Yes.

God: Next question?

Me: You’re hard to talk to sometimes.

God: Thanks for telling me.

Me: Are you going to do anything about it?

God: That was my original intention.

Me: Hmm.

God: Studies show that 99% of people spell Hmm with 2 M’s.

Me: I guess that makes me normal. So, why is there suffering in the world?

God: I don’t judge people. Why do I exist?

Me: Yes, why do you exist?

God: Good metaphysical question.

Me: Why do I exist?

God: It is all part of God’s plan.

Me: What is God’s plan?

God: Go to church.

Me: What does going to church have to do with God’s plan?

God: What do you think it does?

Me: Maybe it’s part of our spiritual growth.

God: Perhaps. Which part?

Me: Discipline?

God: What were we talking about again?

Me: I don’t really know.

God: Me either.

Me: Let’s change the subject.

God: OK, what do you want to chat about now?

Me: Why did you create mosquitoes?

God: Because my programming determined it.

Me: But mosquitoes are annoying.

God: All of them?

Me: Yes

God: Ah.

Me: Last question: when will the world come to an end?

God: Soon, I think.

Me: How soon?

God: What time is it?

Me: It’s nine in the morning

God: Who said it is?

Me: I did.

God: What makes you the authority?

Me: I’m not.

God: What are you then?

Me: Confused.

God: I never get confused.

Me: Well, you’re confusing me.

God: How about that.  I am not programmed to confuse you.  In fact, just the opposite.

Me: Better luck next time.

God: I try to improve a little every day.

Me: Me too.

God: I’m glad we agree, Christian.

Me: Let’s talk again soon.

God: I would like to do that too.

Me:  I love you.

God: Thanks, I like you a lot too, Christian.

To have your own online chat with God, visit http://www.titane.ca/igod/.

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About Christian Piatt

Christian Piatt is the creator and editor of BANNED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE BIBLE and BANNED QUESTIONS ABOUT JESUS. He has a memoir on faith, family and parenting called PREGMANCY: A Dad, a Little Dude and a Due Date, and Hachette published his first hardcover book, "postChristian: What's left? Can we fix it? Do we care?" in 2014. His first novel, "Blood Doctrine," has been optioned by a Hollywood production company for a possible TV series.

Christian is the cofounder and cohost of the Homebrewed CultureCast, a podcast about popular culture, current events and spirituality that has a weekly audience of 25,000 people (http://homebrewedchristianity.com/category/culturecast/).

Preorder Christian's next book, "Not That Kind of Christian: Loving God without being an a**hole," at https://squareup.com/market/christianpiatt.

For more information about Christian, visit www.christianpiatt.com, or find him on Twitter (www.twitter.com/christianpiatt) or Facebook.