Church Sign Epic Fails, “God Hates Heavy Metal” Edition

I was told to dress up as the scariest character I could imagine, so I’m thinking of going with Mark Driscoll…

I’ve always known that power chords were demon seed…

Based on this pole, I’m assuming this is along a highway…which means folks are driving by at about 70 MPH…which means they only probably see the main headline…which means, um, yeah.

yeah, but a polyester jumpsuit TOTALLY fools God every time.

What’s it gonna be, girl? Yes, or no? (Meatloaf alert!)


I’ve heard of nontraditional service concepts, but this one takes the cake.

New Life! But first we have to scare you to death…

Makes me proud to be a disciple…


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About Christian Piatt

To learn about Christian Piatt's new project, "A**hole Christian Survival Guide," and to pre-order your copy, visit The humorous illustrated book will include Christian cliches, games and a lot more.

  • Evelyn

    I can think of lots of people scarier than Mr Driscoll. Besides which, one has the impression he wants to come off as fearsome and scary ‘cos that fits his somewhat narrow view of manliness. Why give him the satisfaction?

    PS Am seriously hoping that ‘spouse’ is a euphemism for bishop, as in “beat the bishop”… or… maybe they’re all for equal rights and spouse doesn’t mean “wife” but partner? Yeah, no, I didn’t think so.

  • jrieves

    “Beating the spouse”? That sounds like a euphemism for something.

    • Occupy Christianity

      Ummmm…yeah. Like George Costanza – the master of his domain!

  • Marta L.

    “Halls of Hell”

    If it’s anything like the megachurches I’ve been doomed to wander around, that’s just truth in advertisement.

  • Pilgrim

    As a progressive Christian, I clicked on the Progressive Christian link at the bottom of your page. What I got was a screen that said, “Your request could not be satisfied.” Is that God’s comment on progressive Christianity?


    Do we expect anything less from Westboro Baptist? And while I’m at it, my favorite church joke: Do you know where demons go if they are expelled and no pigs are nearby? The nearest church’s sound system. lol

  • NormDeplume720

    I always cringe when the DoC chalice makes it into one of your posts. Yikes.

  • LoneWolf343


  • Oswald Carnes

    Dave Mustaine is in for a shock.