Church Sign Epic Fails, “Mastur-abater” Edition

So I thought if you masturbate, you’d grow hair on your palms. Turns out your arm bursts into flames. The first one, I can deal with. The second…not so much.

Unless you use some novel two-handed system I’m unfamiliar with, you should be able to swing both, I think.

Pretty sure having the words “Old” and “Sex” in the same title cancel each other out.

I’ve heard of the missionary position, but…

Dud,e I totally saw Jesus peeking, and he skipped four and seven. DO-OVER!

yes, this is an actual banner and website for a real-life church. Really.

And here, we’ve been fighting wars and building stuff! Gah!

Man, is my face red. First time, I read this as “holey sex.” Very different.

About Christian Piatt

Christian Piatt is the creator and editor of BANNED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE BIBLE and BANNED QUESTIONS ABOUT JESUS. He co-created and co-edits the “WTF: Where’s the Faith?” young adult series with Chalice Press, and he has a memoir on faith, family and parenting being published in early 2012 called PREGMANCY: A Dad, a Little Dude and a Due Date.

  • Occupy Christianity

    I’d love to know how many car accidents that billboard caused…

  • jrieves

    A sermon that acknowledges there is sex in the Bible would truly be a novelty. And, pretty damned interesting, too.

    • Brian Bowman

      From the Brick Testament would be best. ;)

  • Whittier Nathan Strong

    The first sign (about masturbation) is from Christians for Michele Bachmann, which is a parody group, like the Onion except in Facebook-group form. Everything they produce is fake, including this billboard, which does not exist.

    • Christian Piatt

      But it’s so awesome!!!