Hot from Hell

This just in from William Hamblin, our correspondent in the Nether Regions:

DATELINE 21 APRIL, THE INFERNO

It has now been confirmed that recent earthquakes were caused by construction work in Hell.  “It’s really the politicians’ fault,” said Vulcan, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development for the Kingdom of the Damned.  “Not the politicians of Hell, of course, but earthly politicians.” 

“In the past,” Secretary Vulcan explained, “we have been able to find housing for deceased politicians in almost any of the Nine Circles of Hell — promiscuous, gluttonous, sullen, procurers, seducers, flatterers, swindlers, hypocrites, thieves, corrupt advisors, scandalmongers, liars, traitors — take your pick.  But now, quite frankly, Hell is full; we simply need more room.  The Infernal Council has therefore decided to add a Tenth Circle to Hell, especially for politicians.  Unfortunately, crowded conditions in the Kingdom of the Damned mean that Democrats and Republicans will not be afforded separate accommodations.  They are finally going to have to learn to live together.”

“Libertarians, on the other hand,” Vulcan added, “will continue to get special consideration in Hell due to their efforts to legalize all forms of sin.”

“We especially like the current deficit spending policies,” Mr. Vulcan continued, “which allow politicians in Hell to continue sinning against mankind long after they are dead by robbing future generations for decades to come.  We’re also delighted Mr. Obama has cut back on coal production, since we need all the burning coal we can get down here.  We call it Red Energy.”

“We would like to hope that the construction can be completed before the November election, after which we expect a huge influx,” said Secretary Vulcan, adding wryly “but, unfortunately, there is no hope in Hell.”

His Satanic Majesty was dining, and was not available for comment.

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