Things My Adult Children Say I Should Not Say

A joy of having adult children is knowing the many, many things that I should never say, why I should never say them, and the penalties for saying them. One child threatens to “break me” if I ever again say that anything said three times  or containing chimps can be funny.

This is not only false (in his opinion), but irritatingly so. As there are millions of dads in America, I hope that this (not all) inclusive list will help you avoid the many errors of social intercourse (see the list) I have committed.

I am the wrong person. 

There are people that may be able to say these things, but I am not the man. In fact, when I say them, I have evidently done the equivalent of Robin Williams putting on a clown nose in Patch Adams. I am the wrong person doing the wrong thing.

That’s lit . . . 

Evidently the entire word “lit” no longer means a thing that has light. When I said our Christmas tree lights were “lit” . . . everyone groaned. I am not sure why, but I am now afraid to say the word “lit.”

“Woke”

A member of my faculty has suggested that any use by me (in particular) of the word “woke” is exceedingly dangerous. I said: “I woke up.” He says: “Never say that again.” I am unsure why, but perhaps if something is lit it causes one to awake in a dangerous way in the world of Millennials.

Yo (anything)

I don’t know that I have ever said “Yo,” but when he heard I was writing on things I should never say, one adult child said: “yo.” This seems true and yet it is unclear to me why pirate talk or songs should be banned to me. Could I be missing something?

Anything with Harambee.

There was a time, I am told, when this was a “meme.” When I tried to use this “meme,” my kids said “too soon, Dad.” Now if I try to use it, they say “too late, Dad.” Was there a golden moment when Harambee was appropriate to me and I missed that moment? I shall never know, because when I asked this question, my adult children ran away.

The phrase “social intercourse” 

The Victorian novels I read use the phrase “social intercourse” quite often to describe the process of getting to know people in gatherings. Yet when I say this useful phrase, my adult children scream. Is this due to the Internet generation finding social intercourse uncomfortable due to technology?

Any story that has implications regarding procreation or fecundity 

My adult children were not immaculately conceived, but any reference to this fact causes shouts of horror. Any suggestion that their Mom is attractive is met with disgust. This seems ungrateful to me.

My views are too odd to be stated. 

This category is very large. It consists of opinions that are evidently so tedious and eccentric that they are fatal to social intercourse.  

Anything related to circuses, Goff pet food, or tariff policy in the nineteenth century.

I have tried to understand the decline of the American circus and the history of the circus. This topic turns out to be as fun as clowns: not fun at all.

Goff pet food failed. Why? For some reason as a kid, I wanted to know. I found out. This is of interest to nobody I know.

Once at Disneyland a kid asked (really!) about free trade. The two of us ended up discussing the election of 1896, Bryanism, and why I oppose protectionism. It turns out that “free coinage of silver” no longer excites most youth.

My love of bad early twentieth century children’s books

Perhaps the worst children’s book ever written was Mimi’s House Party. As a result of this train wreck of a book, given to me by puckish Uncle Roddy, I became interested in book series that nobody reads. World War I nurses go to different countries! Cherry Ames is a nurse! Tom Swift builds cool things!

Evidently there is never a good time to discuss these books . . . not even the Dare Boys.

It is the “pony and the trap” story

In That Hideous Strength one of the characters laughs with his wife about a story told far too many times regarding a “pony and trap.” Evidently I have many “pony and trap” stories that have worn out their welcome, trampled on that worn out welcome, and then stabbed the flattened, worn out welcome like Patrick with a heretic in a Lutheran Satire video. (“Hey, have I showed you the bad analogy YouTube?”)

Being in a bathroom with a goose or any story from college

At fifty-three all stories from college are out. They have been heard or so archaic that if they ever had value, they have ceased to do so. And yes, there was a goose, a bathroom . . .

The Old Scar tale

Allegedly there is a story about my dearest brother and lifelong pal Daniel and a bear called Old Scar. This story is alleged to be false.

Rat House

Once I bought a house with a garage filled with rats. It was . . . not good. I never get to finish these stories, because everyone screams and leaves. One time was one time too many.

I hope this list will prove helpful to fecund and lasting conversations.