I Have A Dream (too)

Around this time last year I met a friend of the very gifted author, Ann Lamott. My friend, N. made me downright blush as she said I, Grace Biskie reminded her of “Annie” and said she would love to pass on my memoir manuscript to her for a possible jacket cover recommendation! (This would be beyond HUGE! Anne Lamott wrote the jacket cover recommendation for the wildly popular, New York Times Best-Seller Eat, Pray, Love by: Elizabeth Gilbert).

I remember getting back on the plane that night feeling that this was indeed a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I remember asking God if I should drop out of school that semester so that I could go to work on my book full-time. (It seemed fairly clear that between God, Dave, friends & wisdom in general, that was not a good idea).

I remember the adrenaline pumping as I wrote this chapter of my book at 35,000 miles -Nashville to Detroit- that very day.

I thought for sure I’d have something to send N. to give to Anne Lamott by earlier this yr. in March when my InterVarsity work took me out to San Diego. ‘How cool would it be’, I thought, ‘if I could hand it to her in person’? San Diego came and went with no completed manuscript to speak of.

Now here it is a year later and I still have this dream, yet I’m wondering if I just completely threw away my chance at a “big break.” Yes, I have worked on my book on and off and yes I do have a good number of chapters written -about 25ish. But, only 2 of them are anything I’d actually show to a prospective publisher. In short, I’ve still got a lot of work to do.

As I look back on this past year and contemplate why I didn’t work more on my book, I am again faced with the disappointing reality that fear is what kept me from progress. I wrote in my journal last December that…

“I will never be Anne Lamott so I may as well quit trying! Anne Lamott has been a writer since she was 7 years old, you have been “writing” since you were 29. A whole 3 years! And the only thing youv’e “written” is a stupid blog, so just get over yourself, loser!”

(Could I have been any more cruel to myself? Jeez.)

A few things collided in the last few weeks that got me thinking about this again….

~First, my cool writer friends, Kathy Khang & Michelle Graham & another friend were facebooking about how more women need to step up to the plate of authorship.

~Second, another writer friend encouraged me to put my 2 blogs (Giving Birth to the White Man: Part 1 & Part 2) into magazine article form & send them out to various Christian magazine’s like Christianity Today for possible publication. (I’m too afraid to do this though!)

~Third, as I was praying about breastfeeding the other day, (i.e. “Oh, please oh Lord let it go better this time!”) I had a sense the Lord was telling me not to spend all my breastfeeding hours watching “The Office” or “Grey’s Anatomy,” but to spend some good old time working on my book again. ay ay ay.

So in the past few weeks my mind has been swirling thinking about all this…

Thinking about how I have this dream that I don’t want to let slip away.

Thinking about how scared I feel to move forward with random fears like not knowing how to organize chapters and thoughts, or wondering whose feelings will get hurt if I’m too honest about certain aspects of my family life or past failed relationships.

Thinking about how trying to get published & become somewhat of a successful author is extremely difficult.

Thinking about how much it would hurt my feelings to get rejection letter after rejection letter.

Thinking about how I don’t want to be someone who gets lost in her own fears and later realizes she let a dream shrivel & die. The shame!

Thinking about how much guts it takes to do something a lot of people fail at doing, realizing I just may (& likely will) fail as well.

Thinking about if I’m really “author material.” I.E. “is this really the life I want: to blog daily, write books & sit in front of my laptop 8-10 hrs. a day?”

Today, Dave & I were reading snippets from a great book on Martin Luther King, Jr. called King Came Preaching. We got into a great discussion about why people rise up and take on the mantle of leadership under extreme circumstances. It made sense to me this morning that great leaders who make an impact, do the best they can with what they are given. King was given the gifts of leadership, preaching and ultimately the chance to die for his dream of social justice & equity. I wonder if he ever felt morbidly afraid of failure. Thank God, we know Anne Lamott does, because she’s so doggone honest about everything!

I could practically feel the question burning in my chest:

Will I, Grace Biskie do the absolute best I can with the gifts, dreams & desires I’ve been given?

God didn’t make me Anne Lamott. I am humble enough to admit that my desires to write, teach, speak & preach does not mean I do all of those things really well -it means God made me with strong desires to communicate. But will I work to grow them? What will I do with my leadership position? My (eventual) Masters of Divinity Degree? What will I do with my dream of writing a book that will touch women’s hearts helping them to be healed and to find the same freedom I found?

At the end of this day, I’m completely perplexed because as much as I want to live out my dream for the sake of others I am still -sadly- so afraid of others and my own failures that I’m almost ready to sit on my dream though I am somewhat motivated by my children. I’d be so proud if they could one day articulate that “Mama did the best she could with the life and circumstances God gave her whether or not that became the equivalent of ‘success.'”

Like King, I too have a dream. My dreams are of doing good in this world, of helping to bring about justice, of making world changers through my work with InterVarsity, of bringing hope to young ladies through my book, of communicating grace and truth when I speak, train, teach & preach, of alleviating suffering to the absolute downtrodden. Those are the things that are most important to me.

Can I do those things with what I’ve been given and live without fear of failure, or insignificance or the disapproval from others? I dunno.

God, help me.

I have a dream too, Martin. If only I could chase them the way you did.