The Stubborn Why

We’ve all done it, whether intentionally and out loud or in our minds and hearts. We’ve questioned a happening. Why? Why me? Why now?

I was 25 weeks into my first pregnancy when things took a turn for the worst. Or so I thought, at the time. Baby’s movements came to a sudden halt. That’s when what I like to call “the stubborn why” began. I was calling the doctors frantically, demanding an answer. I was seen every day that week, but no one was able to satisfy my desperate need for answers. “Baby’s  fine, just sleeping” they would say. “Great heart beats,” they’d repeat. And that is when the stubborn why started to spread and ache my mind and heart. Things weren’t fine, I wanted to yell out. I know what I feel!

And I did. The week ended. Key word, ended. I was sent to the hospital to be monitored, perhaps since the office staff was tired of hearing my complaints.

“No heart beats,” were the last three words I heard. For a few moments, I couldn’t even cry, let alone speak. All I could hear and think about was a screaming “why?!” inside of me.

The rest is history, as they say.  I was induced and was in labor for nearly 30 hours. Thirty painful hours. Not so much physical pain as it was mental. I would sleep and wake up, almost forgetting where I was and why. My mother and even my husband were more like still objects. The nurses and doctors would come in and out to check on me, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the aching “why”. Oh how stubborn that “why” could be. All until it was over. Or I now like to think of it as when it all began.

I gave stillbirth to my first child, a most beautiful child, an angel rather, lovely, tiny, doll-like, baby girl. That is when I was clear and free of any question. As I looked down at the wonderful gift I was holding, I found myself whispering “alhamdulellah”. I felt blessed, even though my blessing was not breathing. Allah tests us in all sorts of means, and this was my test. It has made me stronger, more grateful, and closer to Allah. May Allah give us patience and rid us of the stubborn why.

Hoda is a wife and a mother to a stillborn daughter in heaven and an almost one year old son. She is an elementary school teacher in public school and lives in Virginia.

About Mahaez
  • Shannon

    Ameen. May Allah make your daughter a means of jannah for you you. Thanks for sharing such a difficult experience, you display a patience and surrender that is inspiring.

  • Hagar

    “I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the aching “why”. Oh how stubborn that “why” could be. All until it was over. Or I now like to think of it as when it all began.” That’s beautiful, sister. Thank you for sharing with us such a personal experience. May Allah reunite you with her in jannah.

  • Maha

    May Allah swt make the journey you went through your admission to jannah insha’allah… Thank you so much for sharing.

  • thanaya asgher

    Ameen! and wow! sister Allah swt has blessed you with patience and contentment MashAllah! jsut as i was touched by your pain, i was also inspired by your gratitude to the Almighty Allah! subhan Allah!

  • iman

    This was such a beautiful post. Your gratitude has humbled me. May Allah bless you and reunite you with your daughter in the hereafter.

  • ummossama

    JAK for sharing dear Hoda…. would love to give you a hug right now. Your story shows that even the most difficult of tests can bring peace, contentment and gratitude to our hearts.

  • Sister S.

    Cannot begin to imagine how difficult this was for you. But as Allah tells us, “My mercy embraces all things” (7.156) – even things as seemingly bleak as the death of a much-wanted and perfect baby. Sending you love and duas, and the good wishes of reuniting with your sweet baby girl on that Day when Nothing Else Matters.

  • Hoda

    JAK for all your comments.

    ummossama, I’ll take that hug! xoxo

    In case you’re wondering, because people wouldn’t stop asking starting from day 1 of the incident (which is a whole other story!), baby died due to fetal-maternal hemorrhage…and I was found to have a blood clotting disorder which may or may not have been related.

  • Hoda

    But along those same lines… what happened was what Allah had written for me. So, elhamdulella. Qadar Allah masha’a fa’ala.

  • fariha

    You’re such a model of strength and courage, may Allah (swt) reward you for your patience and in sharing this with us. You’re so ‘lucky’ — you have a ‘key’ to jannah already, subhanaAllah :)

  • Manija Ansari

    Mashallah sister. May Allah (swt) increase you in your patience and gratitude and allow her to satiate your thirst on the day of judgment, Ameen. Thank you so much for sharing