Solved! Your non-culturally-appropriative Halloween costume!

You’ve read, by now, in your twitter and facebook feed, and on your favorite bloggers or punditry websites, about the challenges in coming up with Halloween costumes that are not culturally appropriative.  See, for instance, Kat Timpf, who chronicles this in the National Review.

A while back, I gave you some options:  I suggested that you could choose a Square Dance costume, as about the most uniquely and authentically American quasi-national dress there is.  Maybe a prairie dress like the TV version of Laura Ingalls wore.  Or you could go with the Bavarian dirndl or lederhosen.  After all – interesting story – back in World War I, the Germans lost their rights to their trademarks in the United States, which is why, in the United States, aspirin is simply an item, like tissue, where in Germany it still a brand name.  The German pharmaceutical companies were also forced to surrender their American branches into American-owned companies, which is why there are two companies out there by the name of Merck.  So I figure that the Germans have also surrendered their “cultural ownership” of dirndls, lederhosen, and polkas.

But I’ve got another solution for you:  I, myself, personally, give you the right to culturally appropriate Jane the Actuary.  That’s right, study that profile picture carefully.  Long brown hair, generally worn in a headband or a ponytail.  You might want to add in some grey roots for authenticity, unless you want to go for the “young Jane the Actuary” look.  Thick eyebrows.  A weirdly-long neck.  A complete lack of fashion sense — a solid-color t-shirt or sweater and Mom jeans will do just fine for everyday, and — well, who am I kidding, for the true dress-up Jane the Actuary look you’d have to spend the whole of a morning looking for a dress which is forgiving of a fairly misshapen body.  And, for added authenticity, for the Middle-Aged Jane the Actuary, use your eyeliner to draw in a few chin hairs.

Sure, no one will recognize you.  Everyone will ask, “what are you supposed to be?” which will, admittedly, mean that it won’t be all too much fun.  But who really cares about having fun, anyway?

image:  https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AThe_Costume_Contest_Lineup.JPG; By Nihonniboku at en.wikipedia (Own work Transferred from en.wikipedia) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons