physician, heal thyself

I said I didn’t want this blog to turn into a place for personal venting, but right now I am so frustrated I could scream, or throw something, or go back to bed. Unfortunately, I have a full calendar at work, so I’ll be choosing “none of the above.” Which just makes me that much more frustrated.

I’m making what feels like zero progress toward becoming the spiritual person I want to be, I’m buried in mundane life, and I’m set off by trivial annoyances. And I don’t know what to do, other than to keep doing what I’ve been doing, and that isn’t working.

In a response to a comment, I told Lucinda she should “trust the process” – keep meditating and praying and studying and trust that something good will come out of it. I don’t have a better response to myself… but I had hoped to see more progress by now.

Do I have unrealistic expectations? Probably – I tend to dream big and to overestimate my own capabilities. The thing is, I can’t point to anyone I know or know of and say “I want to be like that.” I feel like I’m in uncharted territory, and every map I pick up only shows how to get to places I don’t want to go.

I suppose I’ll keep trudging along… but right now it isn’t a lot of fun, and that bed looks awfully inviting…

About John Beckett

I grew up in Tennessee with the woods right outside my back door. Wandering through them gave me a sense of connection to Nature and to a certain Forest God. I’m a Druid graduate of the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids, the Coordinating Officer of the Denton Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans and a former Vice President of CUUPS Continental. I’ve been writing, speaking, teaching, and leading public rituals for the past eleven years. I live in the Dallas – Fort Worth area and I earn my keep as an engineer.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11192238067122175440 Lucinda

    Oh, this feeling.

    Wanting to move forward, but slipping backward or floundering where you are.

    Thinking you’ve done the work, and now should be able to step up, deal fairly and be more spiritual.

    How often does this sensation assail decent people doing what they can to make change?

    I’ve lost count. But how many of these hurdles did I put in my own path, I wonder?

    Hoping for peace,
    Lucinda

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05205124522349295583 Summer

    I don’t want any of this to come off as pompous or self righteous, this is all stuff I’m stuggling with myself, and I don’t have any “true” answers, only those that have/are working for myself. But when I read your email John and came to your blog, I felt really “compelled” to contribute, so here goes…

    Going through this graduate program the past year and 3 months in counseling has been my true 2nd degree initiation, and boy how. And my answer to your spritual quandry, and mine – seems to be the same I’ve recieved from counseling “masters” in how to get through this and the doc program, I’ll share some of that here and relate it back to the spiritual quest when applicable.

    At some point you can read every expert, go to every siminar and workshop, but what’s going to make you a real pro (in counseling, and a real 2nd degree initiate into the mysteries in a spiritual sense) is two things, again, this is only my humble opinion.

    Daring to really examine yourself, I mean really really examining, daring to be honest with yourself, going within, digging and digging DEEP down to and past the painfull stuff, the stuff you didn’t want to look at and sure didn’t want anyone else to see (go down to the place of wisdom – yourself, your own subconscious – by all and any means you can, and cast off what you do not need – EGO, in all of it’s many forms and masks, again, to the extent that is possible, and yes, espeically very painful).

    Only then can you be an honest broker for others that need healing, because if you can’t be totally honest with yourself, how do you expect to help others examine their own issues and troubles. And in this case – spiritually speaking – I suppose the 2nd degree, since in most circles this qualifies you to be a spiritual teacher to others who are seekers.

    Then there is my second piece of advise, something I haven’t learned in this program, something I didn’t learn at the UU congregation, and something no seminar nor workshop could teach me – the hardest lesson to learn of all (at least for me, a rationalist, a thinker, a social scientist) is to… HAVE FAITH. To do what Islam calls “submit” – not to any man, person, or group, but to God, and only God. To give yourself fully over to Her plan and tell her to use you, your talents and abilities for her purposes and not your own. But in order to do this, you must first have faith, in Her and in her plan.

    And I think this second step takes having done a fair amount of step one, shedding ego, because how can you give yourself over to God’s plan, if you haven’t really let go of your own plans of self import?

    I now believe, truly believe, that this is when things start to really happen. This is when you get more and more of those “aha!” moments in your spiritual walk, is when you can start to see God’s plans for you working in your own life.

    Hope this is useful.

    Namaste,
    ~ Summer


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