Hello, all! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!
So my wife Cat has this week off. Fun! Though, alas, it has made me a Blogger Lagger.
So, to catch up. Below is a bit of a posting I began last week that I can tell I won’t finish this. Here’s as far as I got on a piece I was going to call “Top 10 Reasons I Like Being A Guy”:
So I’ve received a few letters from people who took my last few posts (Six Tests to Determine If He’s Mr. Right ,To Single Women: Men. Don’t. Change, and Men Are Spoiled) as evidence that I don’t like men. But those writers are sadly
moronic mistaken. How could I not like men? I am a man! I love men!
Wait. I love being a man, is what I meant.
Oh, honestly. I can’t take you people anywhere.
Anyway, here are my “Top 10 Reasons Why I Love Being A Guy.”
1. Never having to give birth. Pretty much my favorite thing about being a guy — heck, one of my favorite things about life — is knowing that I will never have to use my body to host and grow someone else’s body. Not that doing so isn’t a sublimely wonderful experience; I know it is! But clearly God understood that no person who looks anything at all like me should ever, ever go grocery shopping in maternity clothes. Which once again proves that God knows what he’s doing.
2. Built-in outdoor plumbing. I have yet to stop being extremely happy about having built-in outdoor plumbing with me wherever I go. Women are pretty stuck having to use public restrooms — but to a guy, the whole world is a public restroom. Or any part of the world with a bush on it is, anyway. Or any plant at all, really. Actually, as long as gravity is working, any guy is pretty good to go. None of us knows the mind of God, of course, but if I had to guess, I’d say that God designed man the way he did because he knew the pleasure it would one day bring him to hear people saying the word “zipper.”
And that’s as far as I got. My other reasons were going to be Sophomoric Humor, Make More Money, Don’t Have to be Emotionally Complex, Minimal Grooming Required, Allowed to be Stupid, Can Move Things, Get to be Intimidating … and … that is as far as I got.
Gender-differences humor. It’s so … stupid. Anyway, I can tell that’s as far as I’ll ever get with that piece. If anyone out there would care to pick up where I left off by either expanding upon or adding to my Top 10 Reasons It’s Good To Be Male Guy, that would be loverly.
Let’s see … what else? Oh! Check this out! Remember my Fortune Cookie of Doom — the one I wrote about in “My Terrible Fortune“? Well, two nights ago Cat and I went out for Chinese food again, and as much as I know this has got to sound like I’m lying, I swear this is what my fortune said this time:
Cat goes, “Wow. I’d say someone wants you to come to terms with your mediocrity.”
So I let her walk home.
No, but … what … how … is there? … when … ??!! Well, I give up. First I’ll experience small success, then whatever it is is “good enough.”
That’s it for me. No more Chinese food. From now on I’m strictly a pizza boy. Life is hard enough without the spirit of Buddah constantly sapping my motivation.
Let’s see. What else? Oh! Two nights ago Cat and I wandered into a Circuit City (since I wanted to buy for myself a DVD of A Charlie Brown Christmas, since … since now I know I am Charlie Brown), and we found them selling DVD’s for prices so low it definitely changed our evening. We brought these for $14.99 each: season 1 of Ugly Betty, seasons 3, 4 and 5 of 24; seasons 2 and 3 of West Wing, and seasons 6, 7 and 8 of Seinfeld. For $7 each I also bought Talladega Nights, Blades of Glory, Knocked Up, and Little Miss Sunshine (the last two of which are pretty much my favorite movies ever, ever, ever).
Can you believe it? Ugly Betty for $15!!
Man, I love this country.
Call me mediocre. Hrrumph. When I’ve got all this TV to watch?? I don’t think so!
Okay, I’ll stop boring you now.
Oh, wait! Check out this email Rich Lederer and I got last week about our book Comma Sense:
Again, please allow me to express my gratitude and thanks for a great book and an essential piece to my repertoire. I wish you the best and have an especially great Thanksgiving. Mr. Basim [?] and I appreciate the answer to our punctuation problem, and look forward to learning more from Comma Sense as we read it again and refer to it often. Just on a side note; we have shared it with several friends, and it has become a staple and common piece of reference for us here in Baghdad. Best wishes.
Thomas Dillingham (TJ)
So there it is. I’ve co-written a book that’s helping to ensure that our people in Iraq are never confused about the proper American use of punctuation marks. Sweet!
Okay, now I’ll stop boring you. For now.