What? Me, Mediocre?

Hello, all! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

So my wife Cat has this week off. Fun! Though, alas, it has made me a Blogger Lagger.

So, to catch up. Below is a bit of a posting I began last week that I can tell I won’t finish this. Here’s as far as I got on a piece I was going to call “Top 10 Reasons I Like Being A Guy”:

So I’ve received a few letters from people who took my last few posts (Six Tests to Determine If He’s Mr. Right ,To Single Women: Men. Don’t. Change, and Men Are Spoiled) as evidence that I don’t like men. But those writers are sadly moronic mistaken. How could I not like men? I am a man! I love men!

Wait. I love being a man, is what I meant.

Oh, honestly. I can’t take you people anywhere.

Anyway, here are my “Top 10 Reasons Why I Love Being A Guy.”

1. Never having to give birth. Pretty much my favorite thing about being a guy — heck, one of my favorite things about life — is knowing that I will never have to use my body to host and grow someone else’s body. Not that doing so isn’t a sublimely wonderful experience; I know it is! But clearly God understood that no person who looks anything at all like me should ever, ever go grocery shopping in maternity clothes. Which once again proves that God knows what he’s doing.

2. Built-in outdoor plumbing. I have yet to stop being extremely happy about having built-in outdoor plumbing with me wherever I go. Women are pretty stuck having to use public restrooms — but to a guy, the whole world is a public restroom. Or any part of the world with a bush on it is, anyway. Or any plant at all, really. Actually, as long as gravity is working, any guy is pretty good to go. None of us knows the mind of God, of course, but if I had to guess, I’d say that God designed man the way he did because he knew the pleasure it would one day bring him to hear people saying the word “zipper.”

And that’s as far as I got. My other reasons were going to be Sophomoric Humor, Make More Money, Don’t Have to be Emotionally Complex, Minimal Grooming Required, Allowed to be Stupid, Can Move Things, Get to be Intimidating … and … that is as far as I got.

Gender-differences humor. It’s so … stupid. Anyway, I can tell that’s as far as I’ll ever get with that piece. If anyone out there would care to pick up where I left off by either expanding upon or adding to my Top 10 Reasons It’s Good To Be Male Guy, that would be loverly.

Let’s see … what else? Oh! Check this out! Remember my Fortune Cookie of Doom — the one I wrote about in “My Terrible Fortune“? Well, two nights ago Cat and I went out for Chinese food again, and as much as I know this has got to sound like I’m lying, I swear this is what my fortune said this time:

“It could be better, but it’s good enough.”

Cat goes, “Wow. I’d say someone wants you to come to terms with your mediocrity.”

So I let her walk home.

No, but … what … how … is there? … when … ??!! Well, I give up. First I’ll experience small success, then whatever it is is “good enough.”

That’s it for me. No more Chinese food. From now on I’m strictly a pizza boy. Life is hard enough without the spirit of Buddah constantly sapping my motivation.

Let’s see. What else? Oh! Two nights ago Cat and I wandered into a Circuit City (since I wanted to buy for myself a DVD of A Charlie Brown Christmas, since … since now I know I am Charlie Brown), and we found them selling DVD’s for prices so low it definitely changed our evening. We brought these for $14.99 each: season 1 of Ugly Betty, seasons 3, 4 and 5 of 24; seasons 2 and 3 of West Wing, and seasons 6, 7 and 8 of Seinfeld. For $7 each I also bought Talladega Nights, Blades of Glory, Knocked Up, and Little Miss Sunshine (the last two of which are pretty much my favorite movies ever, ever, ever).

Can you believe it? Ugly Betty for $15!!

Man, I love this country.

Call me mediocre. Hrrumph. When I’ve got all this TV to watch?? I don’t think so!

Okay, I’ll stop boring you now.

Oh, wait! Check out this email Rich Lederer and I got last week about our book Comma Sense:

Dear Sirs,

Again, please allow me to express my gratitude and thanks for a great book and an essential piece to my repertoire. I wish you the best and have an especially great Thanksgiving.  Mr. Basim [?] and I appreciate the answer to our punctuation problem, and look forward to learning more from Comma Sense as we read it again and refer to it often.  Just on a side note; we have shared it with several friends, and it has become a staple and common piece of reference for us here in Baghdad.  Best wishes.


Thomas Dillingham (TJ)

Operations Coordinator

KBR, Inc.


So there it is. I’ve co-written a book that’s helping to ensure that our people in Iraq are never confused about the proper American use of punctuation marks. Sweet!

Okay, now I’ll stop boring you. For now.

"The whole thing about wives submitting to husbands opens the door for these kind of ..."

Why Pastors Struggle With Confronting Domestic ..."
"I have a stupid question for you:If you are asking someone else what to say ..."

What should I tell my child ..."

Browse Our Archives

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • dsilkotch

    I don't know who originally wrote this or I'd give them credit, but it's awfully funny:

    Damn, It's Good to Be a Man!!

    Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work – more pay. Wrinkles add character.

    Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Your pals never try to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean the apartment if the maid is coming.

    You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me." You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck.

    Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 45 minutes.

    Damn, it's good to be a man!

  • Billy B

    What I like about being a (single) man.

    #1 I don't need to be understood.

    #2 I can use the dryer instead of a clothes drawer. (Where is the fold setting anyway?)

    #3 I can have the same meal two months in a row and not get bored with it.

    #4 My towels don't have to match anything else in the bathroom

    #5 Zero budget for flowers!

  • Ross

    #1 mentioned alot of things that I'm now thankful for that previously I had taken for granted. No more.

    But, through history the big bad thing about being a guy is the whole going to battle thing. Many horrible ways to be maimed or killed mostly all for guys except for civilian casualties. I remember mulling this over as a young child and thinking that sucks, but at least we don't have to have babies and can pee standing up. Overall we're even, but after reading #1, I'm inclined to thing we got the better shake.

  • Angela

    Yup. You guys have it good. I guess that's why it's so easy for you to put up with us!

    Here's a question for you: Since Jesus was a guy, I wonder if He reeeeeealy totally understood what all of us humans go through.

  • Angela

    By the way, John, I've just gotta say that I totally enjoy reading your blogs. Great sense of humor. I always chuckle out loud. Thanks!

  • you soo need a big bag of fortune cookies as a christmas gift from ebay or somewhere… with large numbers they can't all be odd..

  • Your first two reasons for liking being a man are exactly my reasons for liking being a woman. 1. I got to give birth four times, three times with no medication. Those were literally the highlight of my life. 2. Because I don't have outdoor plumbing I get to use the indoor facilities which I much prefer.


  • John,

    You have GOT to get a new Chinese restaurant! Where do those guys get their fortune cookies, anyway? I've never heard of such pathetic "fortunes." Ours always say, "You'll make so much money you'll never be able to spend it all," and, "A fabulously wealthy movie star is about to fall in love with you," and other such ridiculous improbabilities.

    There must be a better Chinese place somewhere near you! 😉

  • Taryn

    On the movie thing…Wal-Mart had movies for $3 this weekend…and good movies at that! I bought 3, and spent less than $10.

    And maybe you should stop eating Chinese…it sounds like it could be bad for you…or at least your success.

  • The built-in outdoor plumbing feature is a wonderful thing. Of course, I live in a condo, so the neighbors might see me, and then everything goes south pretty quick.

  • Why do I like being a guy?

    The pregnancy/birth thing is a given. Then:

    -I don't have to sit down to use the bathroom all the time (elaboraton on the outdoor plumbing)

    -No strange, monthly "cycle"

    -No long hair to look after and be careful for (for many, not all women…i do like the short hair look on some women)

    -No makeup (again, this applies to many, not all, women. and yet again, I do like the no-makeup look on a lot of women)

    -On average, men are taller

    -No need for a bra (although, Kramer did come up with "The Bro" for men)

    -Don't have to deal with the weirdness of breast feeding

    (man…girls are weirder than I thought)

    That's about it. Hmm…we often still have to pay for the first several dates. And girls can form vicious little girl-cliques and they usually smell and look better. Some of them can beat me up too…man…hmmm….But I don't have periods (or babies)!

  • Rachel Cabal

    I highly recommend owning A Charlie Brown Christmas…and learning to dance like the kids at the end of the movie. A person's life is whole after mastering THAT dance! Also I recommend owning A Christmas Story and The Year Without a Santa Claus. Who doesn't love the family rift between the Heat Meister and Freeze Meister…learn the dang songs for completeness.

  • tmichalski

    On Being a man

    *Note-Not all of these apply to every man i guess, but most do.

    1) Eating and Drinking too much are acceptable, as long as there is a sporting event involved. Women only get holidays/other special occasions, and as far as eating is involved, 4-7 days a month. There’s always sports on tv! Of course, anyone can do whatever they want, I’m merely speaking of what is socially acceptable so to speak, even if that implies a double standard.

    2) Having 20-25 years of your life without having to accept proper hygiene. You stink, oh, thats right ,you’re a man-boy. Oh you farted, well that figures, you’re a man. Oh your burped, well that figures, you’re a man. No Deodrant/Stain on Your shirt/need a haircut? I guess all of those together kind of screams pot-head, but it can happen.

    3) Knowing that no matter how much of a jerk you are, if you’re good looking, some girl will fall in love with you. This is something I don’t abuse(and I am not good looking) but its true. Not to mention, Naive Women are attracted to idiots. (You exposed on this in a previous post, as is.)

    4) Knowing that the worst chores you HAVE TO(of course, you can do whatever-but these are man only usually) do around the house is taking out the trash and walking the dog. The only un-pleasant one is pretending to have any sort of mechanical inclination and having to fail miserably/almost kill yourself before you can call a carpenter/electrician/plumber.

    5) Being allowed to get away with a moderate amount of misogyny, as long as it coincides with an equal degree of chivalry. Again, not necessarily me, but a common occurance.

    6) Knowing that your always right(Just Kidding)

    7) Pretending that when someone sets you off, you can kick their butt/when another man sets off the woman your involved with, her thinking you can kick his butt, even if he is twice your size. Of course when you do a little too much of part a, and when your woman enjoys part b, sometimes there is part c: having your butt kicked by some guy who is twice your size because your lady doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut(Oh-High School, I remember thee well. Oh yes, you’re the center on the football team huh…and you said something mean to my girlfriend while you were drunk, GREAT!)

    8) Knowing that your mother will always love you, even if it means she tries and coddle you until the day she dies, and passes judgment on every woman you’re ever involved with, ever, even if you don’t want her opinion and will make backhanded comments in company of said woman she does not like, mostly because she is not like your mother.

    (Note: Any man who hasn’t experienced some degree of this, at least once, is an absolute liar).

  • I’ve been running this blog a pretty long time now, and this is easily the most rewarding comment thread so far. These are GREAT! Thanks so much, you guys, for writing this stuff. Some of it is SO FUNNY! Wonderful. What fun.

  • Eh…it's one really bad day…but then you get a baby. Not a bad trade-off, I think. And then your husband thinks you're, like, AMAZING for a good long time. 😀

  • Glad I don’t have to give birth!!!

  • (I’m a female)I didn’t have time 2 read all the comments, so I don’t know if anyone mentioned this, but the difference between men & women is: (not in all cases) men get bald & women get fat. I know there’s a lot of fat men, but the percentage of fat women is much higher. & it’s much easier for most men 2 lose weight (maybe because they’re naturally more muscular). I’d much rather be bald than fat, because you can buy a wig or toupee that looks pretty good, but it’s extremely hard 2 lose weight. Also, slim bald men are usually healthier than fat women..I’m really jealous. My brother is the same build as me, but he got the extre weight off easily & for me it’s very hard!!!!!!!

  • Candace

    Way late on this thread, but hey, didn’t even know about Suddenly Christian back in 12/07.

    News flash. Girls CAN pee standing up. Takes a little practice (in the shower is a good place), but it is doable. AND it causes some doubletakes that make the effort waaaaay more than worth it.

    Other than that — I recognize the advantages in being a guy … but still, hands down, would rather be a girl 🙂